Living with a brain injury and Making Decisions Part 2

Please read Part 1 for context. Thank you.

The dance began each time I sensed irritability, restlessness or discontent in another person. My over developed sense of responsibility convinced me that I was the cause of their irritability, restlessness and discontent. My overdeveloped sense of responsibility led me to believe that I needed to “fix” their irritability, restlessness and discontent.

My overdeveloped sense of responsibility led me to believe that I could not be at peace with myself unless I fixed their restlessness, irritability and discontent. My overdeveloped sense of responsibility led me to become hyper vigilant in all my relationships. My overdeveloped sense of responsibility kept me frantic in all of my relationships.

In my ongoing state of anxiety I found myself engaging in a destructive “dance” — which occurred over and over again. The dance taught me that I had to make  the person — who was restless, irritable or discontent — OK, before I could hope to know that we were OK. The dance taught me that if I made the other person in the relationship OK with me, then and only then could I be OK with me.

I found myself moving from one partner to another partner in the “dance” as I attempted to be OK with everyone — in each of my relationships. What I found through my participation in the “dance” was that each attempt to be successful in the “dance” was consistently met with new expectations. My efforts to make everyone OK with me were consequently never enough.

Because the expectation “bar” was constantly moved, I continued to feel as though I was never enough and thus a mistake. Nevertheless, I found myself driven by the expectation that if I could “fix” people, I could feel safe and secure in my relationships and thus feel safe and secure in my relationship with myself.

Please read Part 3 for context. Thank you.

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Living with a brain injury and Making Decisions Part 1

Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. Thank you. Last evening I was in a meeting that discussed knowing God’s will and making decisions. When the opportunity came for me to share my thoughts on the topic I shared from my experience, strength and hope.

Let me share what I discovered through my process of awareness, acceptance and action.

For many years I saw and interpreted life in black and whites / all or none. Coupled with my black and white / all or none perspective I carried an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. I carried this overdeveloped sense of responsibility because I believed that I did not just make mistakes, but that I believed I was a mistake.

Because I believed that I was a mistake, I bought into the notion that I needed to be more than in all of my relationships – to make up for not being enough. Consequently, in my over developed sense of responsibility I strove to take care of people emotionally. I did so and went to great lengths to do so — in an attempt to prove my worth and value…

and to prove that I was not a mistake.

In my efforts to prove that I was not a mistake, I attempted to control my relationships through my participation in a dance. The steps of the dance became all too familiar as I sought to execute the steps of the dance in all of my relationships. In the process of participating in the dance, each of my relationships took on a familiar form.

The form involved that of an emotional gauntlet, which invariably brought about drama and crisis into each relationship.

Please read Part 2 for context. Thank you.

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Living with a brain injury and Being True to Myself Part 2

Please read Part 1 for context. Thank you.

As I examined the patterns in my interactions with specific individuals and situations – during the course of attending meet up group events over the summer – I came to the conclusion that I had deviated from a fundamental principle. The principle is summed up in several lines from Shakespeare’s play – Hamlet – when Polonius stated:

“This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

My inventory revealed that I had deviated from being true to myself – by compromising my values. My inventory revealed that I had become lax in being true to myself in my attempt (s) to assimilate myself into specific situations and groups of people. With my awareness – and to again be true to myself – I made the decision to adjust the way in which I plan to interact with people in social situations during future meet up group events.

By making adjustments, I recommitted myself to being true to myself. By making adjustments I recommitted myself to being true in my interactions with specific people and situations – during future meet up group events. By making adjustments, I recommitted myself to being myself.

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Living with a brain injury and Being True to Myself Part 1

Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. As I have shared with you in past articles, I signed up with meetup.com approximately 1 year ago. I signed up with meetup.com to expand my opportunities to develop community, practice social skills and learn from people through attending meetup group event activities.

Over the summer I have had the opportunity to attend 10 different pool parties and other group event activities. My experience has given me the opportunity to visit with people, make acquaintances and develop relationships. Over the past weekend, I had the opportunity to attend one of those pool parties as well as another group event — at a another members home. Both event activities proved to be rewarding and empowering.

On Monday morning I reflected upon my experiences during these events. In the process of reflecting I took an inventory of my interactions with people and situations. I took an inventory to look at patterns because I had been feeling – emotionally and spiritually – uncomfortable. I took an inventory to examine patterns in my relationships and interactions – with people – in social settings.

In my experience, taking inventories of my interactions with situations and with specific individuals is not to keep people out, but to keep me in. Inventories empower my ability to set healthy boundaries to maintain healthy relationships — with other people and with myself.

Please read Part 2 for context. Thank you.

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Living with a Disability and Accomplishing Greatness

Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to have you around my table. I have been doing some research on celebrities living with brain injuries and other kinds of “disabilities. During the course of my research I read about the lives of other famous people who – while living with various disabilities – achieved great success in their chosen field and passion.

“People of mediocre ability sometimes achieve outstanding success, because the don’t know when to quit. Most men (and women) succeed because they are determined to.” George Allen (and women) my addition.

Each of these individuals – who are considered famous – all had various hurdles to overcome to reach the heights that made them famous. Each individual achieved what made them famous — in their chosen field – because they made the decision to get started. These individuals did not allow their disability to keep them from using their gifts, talents and abilities in ways that worked for them.

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret to getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” Mark Twain

Each of these individuals did not allow their disabilities to define who they were or are as individuals. As I reflected upon what each of these individuals had achieved with their lives – while living with their disability – I found myself empowered by their example. As I read, I was reminded that I too could accomplish great things with my life – while living with my disability – by getting started.

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.” Helen Keller

In life, we may be living with a disability, but our disability does not have to limit our ability in life. Instead, we can be inspired by the lives of people who have come before us, who have achieved great things while living with a disability. We can accomplish greatness – at our own pace. We can give of who we are by using our gifts, talents and abilities in ways that work for us.

“If you go to work on your goals, your goals will work on you. If you go to work on your plan, your plan will go to work on you. Whatever good things we build end up building us.” Jim Rohn

“I am a slow walker, but I never walk back wards.” “I will prepare and some day my chance will come.” Abraham Lincoln

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Living with a brain injury, Failures and Setbacks

Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. Please remember that you are always welcome around my table. Last night I stopped by the martial arts school to see my Sensei – instructor – and to see and say hello to some of the brown and black belts with whom I trained with for 8 years.

I then made the decision to stay for part of the brown and black belt class.

At the beginning of class, Sensei shared something with the students that I want to share with you my friend. May you be encouraged as you read through this article to not give up on your goals, your process, your dreams or your destiny. May the lesson – below – inspire you to keep getting back up no matter how many failures or setbacks that you may experience during your life time.

As Sensei began class he shared a list of set backs and failures that an individual in history experienced during his life time.

• 1832 Lost Job and defeated in the state legislature
• 1833 Failed in business
• 1835 Fiance / sweetheart died
• 1836 Had a nervous breakdown
• 1836 Defeated in run for Illinois House Speaker
• 1843 Defeated in run for nomination for U.S. Congress
• 1848 Lost re-nomination for Congress
• 1849 Rejected for land officer position
• 1854 Defeated for U.S. Senate
• 1856 Defeated for nomination for Vice President
• 1958 Again defeated in run for U.S. Senate
• 1860 Elected President (Success)

The above list of set backs and seeming failures are attributed to one of our greatest Presidents in American history. His name is Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln profoundly impacted his generation and generations to come because he made the decision (s) to not allow failures or setbacks to keep him from pursuing his dreams or his destiny. Because of his decision (s) to keep moving forward, freedom has occurred in the lives of many individuals for many generations.

Sensei went on to encourage the students in the class to not give up on their goals – be it advancing to their next belt rank or in another area in their life– even though they may encounter failures or setbacks in the pursuit of those goals.

Abraham Lincoln’s example and Sensei’s lesson inspires both you and I to stay committed to our goals, vision, mission, dreams and destinies — regardless of any failure (s) or set back (s) that we may experience during our life times. And as Abraham Lincoln brought a freedom to the lives of many individuals, so too will we bring about a freedom — simply by staying committed to our dreams and our destinies regardless of any failure (s) or setback (s) — to the lives of many individuals in our generation and in generations to come.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Thomas Edison

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” Ambrose Redmoon

“We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible.” Vince Lombardi

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Living with a brain injury and Feeling like a Weed Part 2

Please read Part 1 for context. Thank you.

Such alienation and isolation can leave individuals living with a brain injuries feeling remote and disconnected. Feeling remote and disconnected can keep you buying into the lie that we are unwanted, useless, troublesome and unlovable.

But this is not the end of the story. The good news is that you and I — as individuals living with a brain injury — are infinitely loved, valued and of great use to the Creator of weeds and flowers. The good news is that minimization and marginalization no longer has to discount or diminish our ability to be part of the solution. The good news is that we can positively impact the lives of people – in our world – because we are individuals living with brain injuries. The good news is that we no longer have to wait to be included, validated or approved of by the flowers of the field — to be effective.

We have already been validated and approved of to be effective as Scott Adams poignantly stated, “You don’t have to be a person of influence to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they’ve taught me.”

Reality is that we can learn to use our gifts, talents and abilities in ways that work for us. Reality is that we can do the foot work. Reality is that we can let go of outcomes and trust the process. Reality is that we no longer need to have the big picture to be able to profoundly impact the lives of people in our world. Reality is that we can trust that we are being led. Reality is that we can trust a loving God. Reality is that we can be empowered, because of our circumstances. Reality is that we no longer have or need to see ourselves as victims. Reality is that we no longer have to do something big to do something big.

Reality is that…

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” Mother Teresa.

“Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things.” Frank Howard Clark

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.” Robert Louis Stevenson

‘For I know the plans that I have for you’, declares the Lord, ‘plans for good and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.’ Jeremiah 29:11 – Bible — Old Testament.

“Insist on yourself; never imitate. Your own gift you can present every moment with the cumulative force of a whole life’s cultivation; but of the adopted talent of another you have only an extemporaneous half-possession…Do that which is assigned to you, and you can not hope too much or dare too much.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Living with a brain injury and Feeling like a Weed Part 1

Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see you decided to stop by to visit with me. As a person living with a brain injury and an invisible disability I some times feel like a weed. I am speaking about those plants that grow up and exist amidst other flowers. Let me explain.

By definition, a weed is any undesirable or troublesome plant, esp. one that grows profusely where it is not wanted. Weeds are subsequently targeted for removal, because they are considered a threat to the health and “beauty” of other plants and flowers. Weeds are considered to be useless and of no value.

And yet in reality, “A weed is but an unloved flower.” Ella Wheeler Wilcox

As weeds are considered to be undesirable, troublesome and growing where they are not wanted, so are brain injury survivors to those individuals who can not see our beauty, worth and value — beyond their agendas. Consequently, brain injury survivors may buy into the notion that they are no longer of use or value.

These feelings of being undesirable, troublesome and unwanted – over time and with repeated conditioning through minimization and marginalization – can leave you and I as brain injury survivors feeling dependent upon the very individuals who consider us to be troublesome, undesirable and unwanted.

Such dependence can drain our ambition and leave us feeling powerless and helpless. Such a dynamic can promote insecurity, self-defeat and lead to self-sabotage. Insecurity, self-defeat and self-sabotage in turn foster a sense of alienation and isolation – from both ourselves and from other people.

Please read the conclusion in Part 2. Thank you.

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How to Impact your World

Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. You are always welcome around my table. Last evening I read something a friend of mine posted on Face book. When I read what he posted, I thought about a simple, but profound quote.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” Mahatma Ghandi

This quote reminds me that I am responsible for how I treat people and how I speak about them to other people. Consequently, if I do not like something – that I see or hear – I can choose to be part of the solution. I can choose to ask myself a question, “How can I be the change that I want to see…?”

“Life is an echo; whatever you send out comes back.” Chinese proverb

“We will be known forever by the tracks we leave.” American Indian Proverb

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Living with a brain injury and Learning How to Trust What is Real

Through my process, I discovered why I had a hard time trusting.

For many years of my life I bought into other people’s belief systems. I did so to keep from losing me, but in the process I found that I lost myself. Let me explain.

When I was unable to meet the expectations of their belief system (s) — for me — I found myself questioning my ability to trust myself. Because I questioned my ability to trust myself, I sought to maintain the expectations of their belief system (s). In the process, I sought to defend and justify the merits of their belief system (s) – to feel safe and secure.

For more information, Whose Shame are you Carrying?

In the process, I bought into several denial system (s). I did so because of my guilt, shame and fear. In my experience, I found as long as I bought into these denial system (s) the harder it was for me to trust the process, to trust a loving God and to trust myself. It was only after I began to question these denial system (s) that I was able to begin living life on life’s terms.

As I began to establish my own belief system, I began to live life on life’s terms. Some of these new beliefs are summed up in several short phrases.

I am an army of one, but I am not alone. I am a bright and shinning star, but my light comes from God. My worth is – because I am. I am a true believer. I am confident in my process. I am a work in progress. I create out of my being. I am kind and loving. I am loved. I am safe and secure, forever. I am more than enough. I am at peace. I am resilient. I am wonderfully me.

In the process of establishing my belief system, I have grown in my ability to trust and accept myself. Because I am free to be myself, I am growing in my capacity to trust the process and a loving God. In the process, I am learning how to trust what is real.

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