Inch by Inch

Welcome back to my world. I am glad you decided to stop by and rest. Recently I have been asked how I overcame specific challenges after the car accident, when I was 10 years old. Please read my post, My Journey thus Far). In many cases I applied persistence to the task at hand. Perseverance coupled with persistence helped me to overcome many obstacles. Dogged determination has helped me to keep going despite disappointments and set backs throughout my life. For many years, my will to endure was driven by perfectionism and shame. I functioned to survive emotionally and spiritually. Perfectionism and shame motivated me, however they never let me celebrate my success. The bar of achievement seemed to be raised on a regular basis. I was driven to defend my being through achieving. As I have shared in another post, I became what Terry Kellogg first posited, a human doing.

I would recommend — from what I have learned through my struggle – that you make excellence and progress your motto’s, as you heal and recover. My healing and recovery process continues to this day, although my brain injury happened nearly 40 years ago. I have to overcome on a daily basis from the affects of interacting with non disabled individuals. It is as though I have to defend myself because I have an invisible disability. I am frustrated by the indolence of those individuals who chose not to understand. They seem to want to blame me for their lack of tolerance. I am sure you can identify with me on some level, even if you do not have a disability. For those in the disabled community who are reading this post… I hear you shouting, “Amen Brother!”

For some, ignorance seems to be a terminal disease. Thank God that I do not have to buy into their unwillingness to understand that I have a disability. I am not the problem.

In my personal life, I learn best through repeated repetition. Physically speaking, as I train in the martial arts, muscle memory is essential for me to learn and retain new information. As I train, I drill, and then drill again and then drill some more. Repetition is the mother of all that I learn. I believe that tenacity played a big role in my learning how to walk, talk and speak in complete sentences after waking from the 3-week long coma nearly 40 years ago. For those who have to re-learn, keep marching. (Read my post, Small Successes). Before long you will look back and see how much progress you have made.

I continue to learn through repetition in all of the dimensions that make me who I am in this life, i.e. my soul life, my physical endeavors and my spiritual life. The difference these days is that I am motivated to succeed by my desire to pursue excellence. I have given myself permission to fall and get back up again. Progress not perfection has become my creed.

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The Pond

Welcome back. I am glad you decided to stop and rest. During my lifetime I have allowed myself to be dissuaded by ignorance. Denial did not suit me in the long run. I had to break free from the disdain of the arrogant, who sought to maintain the lie of their deception. Contempt seemed to reassure the ignorant of their importance. I could not and would not continue to be dragged under by the tide of disapproval. I had to seek refuge for my beleaguered soul.

I gained the strength to break free from arrogant speculation. As I listened softly I trade contempt for compassion. Compassion brought me to the edge of a pond called mercy.

Mercy

In the dawning of a new day, I am led to still waters. Reality shimmers from the surface of a pond called hope. Reality catches and then holds my attention as I walk around the pond. The shimmer does not fade. I am drawn closer by the reflection and I am encouraged to slow my pace. At this time, I decide to sit on a rock and ponder what I am being shown.

The light of the shimmer intensifies to unfold a brilliance, which sets my spirit free. In beautiful array, the window of my soul opens and light floods my awareness. In vivid clarity my eyes behold what was once hidden. A voice accompanies the light and I am told that I no longer need to pay attention to the voice of the ignorant. This statement confuses me, so I listen closely.

I am told that the ignorant chose to be in that stupor. Although, they come near the pond, their eyes are clouded. They act as though they can not see the light or hear my voice, but this is not the case. In actuality, when the light begins to appear to them, they turn away. As I watch them turn away they cover their ears. More so, they discourage those who might catch a glimpse of my light and begin to hear my voice. Even as the light and the voice beckons them to freedom, fear and anxiety is seen on the countenance of the faint hearted. As I listen and watch, denial once again ensnares the faint hearted through contempt. I am saddened as I see what is happening. Although I call out to those who would see and hear, my cries are ignored. The arrogant drone out my cries as they drive the faint of heart back into darkness.

At this time, I realize that I have been set on a high rock. Mercy has brought me to the pond and opened my ears. The light and the voice have set me free from the snare of ruthless denial. I no longer need to pay attention to those who would seek to undermine my creativity. Instead, I am free to follow the light and the voice as they lead me.

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Do you dare…

Welcome back. I am glad you decided to stop and rest. Over the last several days, I have shared several of my truths with you. I believe that you and I are created with infinite beauty and majesty, waiting to be explored. You and I are like the dawn of a new day to our worlds. For many years I did not believe this reality. And that is why I wrote:

Enigma

I have been thinking about the matter of each person being unique and special. As I am seeking to be who God created me to become in this life, I find new freedom. Recently, while watching a nature program on TV, I had awareness. This program was discussing penguin colonies and their interactions. As the social interaction of the colony was discussed, special attention was made of an albino penguin, which was given the label of being a mutation. When I heard mutation, bells and whistles went off in my head. God used this program to provide a spiritual awakening.

During my lifetime, I have often felt like I was a mutation, just plain different than other people. I was not aware why this was the case, as I had an invisible disability. As did the announcer, who spoke of the albino penguin, I believed I was a mutation. This belief was reinforced, as I was ostracized for being me. I internalized the contempt people had for me, which led me to reject myself for many years. I felt isolated by others and toward myself. Rather than celebrating my uniqueness, I internalized their ignorance and disdain. Consequently I maintained contempt for myself, because I blamed myself for being a mutation. I spent many years being distraught because I bought into the lie that I was a mutation.

Through my journey and in my process, I have come to see myself as an enigma. Sure I am eccentric at times, and I have my foibles, but I celebrate who I am and what I bring to my world. As I celebrate who I am and what I bring my world, I am released to participate in my creative capacity. This does not mean that I live in a rebellious tone, but that I allow myself to explore the mystery that I to bring to this life. This new mindset encourages me to dismiss the ignorance of people, who are not able to see my value. Rather than attempting to convince anyone of anything, I am able to focus on how I can best use my gifts, talents and abilities. More so, I no longer need to convince any of the other penguins that I am not an albino.

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It Really does Not matter…does it?

Dealing with Feelings

In families where there is a history of unresolved issues, feelings are often considered a threat. In my experience, if I said or did something that triggered any insecurity in a family member they would become angry. Their anger was often directed towards me because they were insecure or afraid. This anger would manifest as blaming me and then be followed by shaming me for making them feel. Unknowingly, these covert weapons – blame and shame – were frequently used to shield them from having to experience their own insecurities and feelings. By making me responsible for their emotional conflicts, they were able to remain in their own denial (Don’t Even kNow I Am Lying).

Although denial and transference would provide a temporary distraction away from their insecurity, the underlying, emotional turmoil would remain unchanged. This familiar cycle of transference would often manifest whenever they would feel insecure or afraid. Consequently, I was led to believe that because I caused their insecurity I was somehow bad or defective. Therefore, unknowingly, I was forced to carry both their shame (for being insecure and afraid) and my shame (for believing that I was bad or defective).

When I began my journey with 12-step recovery some 22 years ago, the idea of experiencing emotional pain was a baffling concept. What I had seen modeled never taught me how to recognize what I was feeling, much less why I might be experiencing those feelings, but most importantly what to do with those uncomfortable feelings. Subsequently, when I experienced any emotional unrest or discomfort, I would minimize and deny what caused the discomfort. Consequently, I found myself repressing any feelings that might lead to a negative reaction from anyone. To maintain this lie—that I was responsible for other people having insecurities – I learned that it was not safe for me to be in touch with my own feelings and insecurities.

Because I repressed my feelings and emotions, I lived in a constant sense of shame, while internalizing responsibility for other people’s feelings and insecurities. In turn, I became angry with myself. Through having to repress and deny these feelings I experienced a low-grade chronic depression – anger turned inward causes depression. The sad reality was that as I continued to internalize such anger, I remained in denial and found myself being victimized by others and myself.

In the process of thawing out or feeling my own emotional pain, I have gained a valuable lesson. I am not responsible for any family member’s insecurities and / or their emotional turmoil (or for that matter, anyone that I may meet). Through working on my own emotion pain and turmoil, I have gained an increased understanding into my own emotional health. I have found that emotional pain lingers only as long as I continue to deny why I am in that pain. In my experience, God has used the 12-steps of Al-Anon, adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous, to guide me in this healing process. I can now own my emotional unrest and discontentment, without remaining in a state of depression.

Through my process, I continue to learn why I react to matters out of my control. Reality has also shown that I am only able to feel my feelings when I am ready. I have found that more often than not, it is only after I have become sick and tired of being sick and tired that I becoming willing to do the necessary work to feel my feelings. It just takes what it takes. As I am able to process my own emotional pain, without looking to blame anyone, I find that my insecurities lose their power over my life. Consequently, I no longer need to defend, answer or explain why I chose to feel.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

The Door

Welcome back. I am glad you decided to stop by and rest. I have been meditating on a topic that in my opinion has no limits. Therefore the possibilities are endless for you and me. I am speaking about what contributes to who we are in this life. We have a body that houses our spirit that is motivated by our soul, which was given to us by God. Theologically, some may disagree with me on the order. The order is not as important as our willingness to address whatever may be hindering our creative flow.

Our physical health and well being are essential to our ability to be productive with our time. Our connection to the God of our understanding gives us the ability to perceive what is truly important and our soul guides us as we interact with people and with ourselves. Nevertheless, my life is not defined by my body, or by my soul or by my spirit. My essence instead combines these entities to make me who I am in this life.

Although these three areas are separate, they are connected. Consequently, if one of these elements is working in a dysfunctional manner, the other two will be off kilter. When I recognize that one of these areas is not functioning properly, my commitment to excellence will motivate me to look for solutions. As I grow in my awareness and acceptance, I will be able take the necessary action to address whatever is blocking my creative flow.

“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.”

Henry Ford

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The Power of Choice

Detachment

In the process of living, social dynamics are inevitable. When two individuals interact, challenges can ensue. These challenges often arise when expectations become apparent as a friendship or relationship develops. These expectations may be connected to a fear of either losing something they have or not getting something they want out of the relationship. Fear can then motivate each person to try and control the other person through manipulation. This may occur because one or both believes this behavior will result in the fulfillment of their expectations. Although control and manipulation may temporarily force a solution, the long-term consequence of such a dynamic will undermine the relationship.

In the event that these expectations are not satisfied, resentments may become an insidious factor in the relationship. If these resentments are not addressed, a power struggle may become an integral part of the relationship as each person jockeys to have their expectations met. Passive-aggressive behaviors may then be used to side step being controlled or manipulated. The foundation of the relationship may begin to crack under the weight of such resentments. Apart from one or both parties using the principle of detachment, the relationship will crumble.

I have found that the principle of detachment is not meant to keep people out, but to keep me in. This means that I accept responsibility for my own feelings, needs, and wants. Through this understanding, I am free to mind my own business. Although I am responsible to others, I am not responsible for them or their choices.

I can let each person have the dignity for making those choices. Detachment allows me to accept that I have choices too. Subsequently, I no longer need to be held hostage to people and their choices. Detachment allows me to accept where I begin and other people end. I am then free to accept that I am responsible for — my own happiness and contentment.

Control and manipulation no longer need to be factors when making a decision. In reality, personal responsibility creates a win-win outcome for the relationship. As each party owns the choices they make each day, expectations no longer need to destabilize the relationship. Personal responsibility and accountability encourages personal empowerment. Consequently, each person will be able to give from what they have experienced. A positive synergy will occur and the relationship will be empowered

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A Bit of Clarity

Welcome back. I am happy you decided to stop by to visit. Yesterday I introduced several ideas that may have puzzled some of my readers. I am speaking of the false self and the true self. I first became aware of this concept while reading Alice Miller’s book, The Drama of the Gifted Child. In her book, Alice uses the Legend of Narcissus to illustrate how many people discard parts of themselves to keep from displeasing a love object. The false self presents to the love object what is expected, so as to not displease and thus experience the threat of emotional and / or physical abandonment. Emotional withholding can be used as a tool to manipulate another person for selfish reasons.

Nevertheless, once the dynamic is established maintaining the false self becomes a softer and easier way of living. The consequence of individuating and demonstrating any unique creative expression is often met with resistance. As a result, parts of who we are has to be discarded in order to keep from losing the love object.

When I discussed reclaiming parts of myself that had been discarded, I was referring to discovering who I was created to become in this life. Several years ago I decided that my opinion mattered most. I decided that my desire to find out who I was created to become in this life was more important than seeking to maintain the love and approval of any love object. I determined to go through the pain of abandonment rather than continue to be cooked by complacency, while my creative uniqueness withered and died.

As a traumatic brain injury survivor, I had to figure this out on my own. I synthesized information from many different sources to gain the awareness that I have shared with you in the preceding paragraphs. The awareness of the false self / true self, in combination with my understanding of toxic shame provided a key that opened the door that changed my world. These two spiritual awakenings revolutionized my life. I am excited to be able to share these truths with you. I look forward to our times together. Thanks so much for stopping by today.

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Lost in Time

Recently I was talking with a friend. During our conversation, the topic of time was discussed. As we spoke about how fast time passes, my mind drifted. Time does march on and waits for no one. Seconds minutes, days, weeks, months, and year’s blend together to define our lives. Although the splendor of time is meant to reveal our creative energy, various messages can hinder and even impede the flow of our uniqueness. The impact of those messages seeks to undermine all that is good and precious.

These are the rules defined, sublime. Read my mind, dance to my tune and all will be fine. Never mind who you are, only dance to my rhyme. If you chose not to follow my lead, rejection and abandonment will surely succeed. You will then experience the dread of annihilation. You will have anxiety, apprehension and insecurity. You will believe your life does not matter. Your individuality, not important, and your essence of little value. But if you approval seek, people please, and vicariously live all will be well with your soul.

Individuation and empowerment lie dormant, while the goal to appease the message becomes pronounced. Through attending to these pernicious messages, small amounts of emotional arsenic are ingested. The insidious nature of this process often goes unchecked, until it is simply too late. Like frogs placed in a pot of water on a stove, their life is slowly drained as the temperature increases to a boil.

I allowed the rules defined to dictate how I lived my life for many years. I traded my judgment for the often-jaded opinions of other people. I sought to fulfill expectations in an attempt to define my self worth, value, and self-esteem. In the process, I lost me. Through my process, I began to accept reality. I am the only one who can be me. Individuation came with a price and I counted the cost. I experienced a grieving process as I adopted a new way of living. Reclaiming parts of myself that I had discarded, in the process of approval seeking and people pleasing, provided both joy and sadness. My true self was emerging, while the false self was discarded. The process has been hard at times, but little by little I have discovered who I am in this life.

I will end with one of my favorite quotes by Pablo Picasso.

My mother said to me, “If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope.” Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso”.

Be who you are in life and your beauty will shine to those who have eyes to see. You are a gift to your world!

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

The Voice

Welcome back. I am happy you decided to stop by and visit. I have been thinking about a song that we have heard sung around Christmas, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. When I was young I thought this was a happy song. To sum up the message from this song, Rudolph had what some would have considered a disability. As a result, all the other reindeer used to call him names. No one would let him play in the reindeer games. This cruelty continued until Santa Claus recognized Rudolph for his special abilities.

People can be like reindeer, and flock like sheep. Ignorance, prejudice, arrogance and contempt often drive these individuals to unknowingly make bad choices. To them, the approval of others becomes the aphrodisiac that stupefies and cauterizes their very existence. These individuals seem unable to stand up for what it right.

Albert Einstein summed up this category of people in his quote; “He who joyfully marches in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.” I do not want to be like one of those sheep that mindlessly follows after ignorance. Nor do I want to adopt the heard mentality so that I can fit in with the flock.

Creative excellence encourages me to be attentive, so that I do not find myself lulled into becoming one of those sheep.

The Voice
I am walking on the path called life. At times, I have found myself sitting on a rock near the path. Occasionally, I take time to notice streams that are flowing in the distance. Their beauty seems to come closer to me at certain points along the path. As I hear the trickling water pass under my feet, my thoughts drift and I begin to reflect. As I ponder its flow, I wonder how many stones, rocks, leaves and logs its presence has touched. The water’s course seems to be lost in time. I decide to continue on the path. I focus on my steps. As I walk, a voice calls to me. Although I initially dismiss its sound, the pitch gets louder and louder. As I pay attention to the voice, I am encouraged by what is being said.

You are different, but very special. You are like the water that has ebbed and flowed along the banks of life. The stones, rocks, leaves and logs are those who have been in your life. They may not have understood or cared that you touched their lives, but your beauty and splendor continued to shine. Time has always been on your side. You have come to understand that those who scoffed at your beauty were blind. Their web of conceit no longer has the ability to constrain you. Instead, you mount up with the wings of an eagle to fly far above their jaded perceptions. You plainly see that they were afraid all along. They choose to remain in that ignorance. You now understand that their opinion of you does not matter. Instead, you have come to believe what matters most is being your own best friend.

You now look at each new day as an opportunity, rather than a threat. You find yourself being empowered in every area of your life. This message gives you strong encouragement. You are motivated to face life head on. Life now provides an endless array of possibilities. More than that, you have expectant courage to live life, one day at a time.

Having a disability is not a sentence to imprison our lives. Rather it is as a switch on a railroad that redirects our lives. I may not know the specific direction the stream of my life is moving, but I will stay encouraged. Being a traumatic brain injury survivor has given me challenges and I am grateful for those opportunities to learn and grow. I am being empowered every day.

As people with disabilities, we are very fortunate. Life is teaching us things that people without disabilities will never be able to experience. Having a disability really is a prized possession. Perspective can open the door to endless possibilities. Dare to dream!

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Limited – Not

As each day unfolds, I am sometimes faced with matters that are out of my control. With this reality, comes the struggle to find meaning out of what might otherwise seem to be a menacing predicament. At this time, I am faced with a choice. I could give up and believe that I was being victimized by life. Through believing this lie, I would then chose to buy into self-pity’s message “you are a victim of your circumstances and there is nothing you can do about it ”. Rather than seeking for a solution, I may buy into the notion that I am helpless to what is happening to me. Through buying into that notion, I willingly perpetuate the assumption that I am a victim. Therefore, I allow circumstances to dictate and define the quality of my life. Life then becomes a battle, just to stay ahead of being victimized by the onslaught of circumstances.

I have another choice each day. Rather than allowing myself to be dissuaded by the voice of self-pity, I see myself as an empowered being. I have changed my belief system. I no longer believe that I am a victim of any circumstance. I now proactively seek for solutions to whatever circumstance may come my way. I no longer believe that I am helpless. I no longer need to stay stuck in what may look hopeless, nor do I need to be limited by my own resources. Prayer and meditation become the channel that directs my destiny.

My experience has shown this haven to be a deep well that provides both cool and refreshing water that rejuvenates my being. As I draw from this well, I tap into a resource that is not limited. Wisdom and strength are gained as I drink from that well. These gifts provide solutions to circumstances that once baffled me. I am empowered as my spirit draws another drink from the well. I no longer need to believe that which is out of my control limits me. Hope is at the doorway of my heart waiting to be called inside. God is knocking.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA