Following your bliss…regardless

Welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am glad you decided to stop by and rest. You are always welcome around my table. In life, events, circumstances and disappointments may redirect our experience. In an instant, like a switch on a railroad, life events can set us in the opposite direction of our hopes and dreams. In the process our hopes, dreams, and aspirations may be dashed. We may have lost limbs or suffered permanent brain damage. Our damaged bodies may subsequently limit our abilities. Consequently, we may be sad, angry or even bitter with life. I want to share something with you that revolutionized my world.

Who I am on the inside matters more than who I am on the outside. My body may be broken and battered by an injury. I may not be as smart as I used to be before my disability. And I may be discouraged at times, but that does not change my passion. I am not my disability , my limitations or my deficits.

My passion resides within my being. My passion provides the mechanism that empowers my gifts, talents and abilities. Because my passions lie at the core of my being I can learn how to channel my creative energy even thou I may have a disability, deficits or limitations. As I follow, develop and learn to channel my passions, the fruit of my purpose becomes apparent. My passions are channeled through my gifts, talents and abilities. My gifts, talents and abilities echo my passion. My passions subsequently point me in the direction of my destiny and in the process I fulfill God’s will for my life one day at a time.

Although I have limitations because I am a traumatic brain injury survivor I am not limited. Although you may have limitations because of your disability, you are not limited. Regardless, of how you or I came to be disabled we do not have to give up on our passions. We can learn how to channel those passions in ways that work for us. We can learn to experience life more abundantly. Our circumstances no longer have to define who we are in this life. We can learn to use those circumstances to enhance both our lives and the lives of those people in our world.

Be encouraged my friend. Your disability is not meant for your harm. You and I have been given a gift. What we thought was meant for our harm is to be used for our good. As I mentioned earlier, I believe that my traumatic brain injury was a switch on the railroad of my life. Although I could not see how my traumatic brain injury was to be used for my good some 40 years ago, I now know that to be true. More so, through my experience I can now be a messenger of hope to my readers, so that they can choose to not give up on their processes or on their passions. Be encouraged my friend. More will be revealed to you.

Follow your passions. Follow your bliss. Take the time to learn how to channel your passions in ways that work for you. Do not give up on yourself or on your passions because more will be revealed with each new day. You will find your way.

Only believe. And if you are having a hard time believing, believe because I believe.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

The Spider and the Dragon

Welcome back. I am glad you are here. You are a tremendous blessing to me. I am so glad you are part of my world. In my last post I encouraged my readers to explore. When I first started training at the martial arts school my Sensei used an illustration that has stuck with me. He stated that I would be given different ingredients to bake a cake, but it was my job to actually bake the cake. Initially I had no idea what ingredients he had in mind. My interest was to learn and grow as a martial artist, so I suited up and showed up. With time, I discovered that we were being taught the style and principles of Jun Fan Jeet Kune Do. Bruce Lee founded Jeet Kune Do in 1967. One of the principles that Bruce Lee shared with his students exemplifies an important concept.

I have not invented a “new style,” composite, modified or otherwise that is set within distinct form as apart from “this” method or “that” method. On the contrary, I hope to free my followers from clinging to styles, patterns, or molds. Remember that Jeet Kune Do is merely a name used, a mirror in which to see “ourselves”

At the martial arts dojo or studio, we learn many different styles to enhance the nature of our abilities. Through learning and practicing those skills, our individual paths take shape. Although we all are required to know specific skills in order to progress, our journeys are not etched in stone. The goal is to provide each student with various tools. The tools are to be used to build a foundation. As the foundation settles, the student is encouraged to explore.

Our experiences in life provide the opportunities that in turn create our journey. Our willingness to explore on that journey will determine how our destiny unfolds. The journey of becoming a black belt involves, struggle, determination, perseverance, courage, and tenacity in the face of disappointment. Patience provides the road to that goal.

Life may not have provided you with the most pleasant of circumstances. You may have been abused, neglected, abandoned or worse. You may have a disability that has shattered your dreams and aspirations. My journey has provided many of those disappointments (please read My Journey thus Far). I am in no way minimizing your set of circumstances, nor am I heralding my life to you. The point is that although life may not seem fair to you or to me at times, we do not have to stay stuck in hopelessness. Do what needs to be done to make your life work for you. Be open to explore and the answers will come to you. Use what has been given to you and more will be revealed. And most of all, do not give up on yourself.

Table Topics for the Soul – Journey to the Heart. LC Registration #: TXu1-330-434 Copyright © 2007

Traumatic Brain Injury 101

Through the labyrinth of life’s experiences, there are many lessons waiting to be to be revealed. I have found that these lessons become available through different packages. My decision to explore is often connected to how I chose to receive those packages. When I chose to stay open to learn, my eyes are opened. As my eyes remain open, curiosity encourages me. Curiosity provides the desire and motivation to grasp the lesson. The missing pieces — once hidden from my sight – become obvious. As I grasp the lesson, I grow in wisdom. Wisdom provides the insight that allows me to learn from the next lesson.

In the world of a person with a traumatic brain injury such lessons may be unique to the individual. Each person experiences similarities and differences. Depending on the location of the brain injury, the individual faces unique challenges. My specific challenges may be different than your challenges. I believe that your unique challenges bring you to your own path of exploration. I believe that you, as well as myself need to be committed to the process. In my experience, I have not met other brain injury survivors with my specific challenges. In many ways I have been alone on my journey. I have had to find out what worked best for me. I can not suggest what will work best for you. Nevertheless, I believe that as you stay committed to your process you will find your way. I will be 50 next week and in my experience there have not been too many people that could give me answers. I had to stay committed to my recovery and rehabilitation. Sure I had days when I questioned life itself, but I did not give up on my process.

I would strongly recommend that you not give up on your process. You may just now be embarking on your rehabilitation journey, for no fault of your own. On the other hand, you may have found yourself reluctant to start a rehabilitation program. I am not in a position to make any medical recommendations. Nevertheless, I would strongly encourage you to not give up on yourself. You are the only one who can do your work. I can not do your work, your parents can not do your work, nor can any other relative or friend do your work for you. You have to be committed to your process one day at a time.

Today’s thought

Just for today I will practice the four P’s in my recovery process: Perseverance, Persistence, Practice and Perspective. I will stay committed to my recovery and rehabilitation program through practicing perseverance and persistence. In the event that my perspective is slowing me down, I will explore. Through my exploration I will learn the lesson I am being taught. I will not give up on myself. I will stay committed to my process. I will keep going even when it hurts because I am worth the effort. I will stay in today because my best is good enough.

Table Topics for the Soul – Journey to the Heart. LC Registration #: TXu1-330-434 Copyright © 2007

Pieces of the Puzzle

As each person grows and develops they learn patterns. These patterns for living and relating help the individual to interpret and adjust to their specific environment. In environments where unresolved conflicts persist, these learned patterns can have a debilitating affect. Additionally, the person often integrates the patterns that are accepted as norms early in life, as they age. These patterns may consequently set the individual up to be used, manipulated and controlled by other people later in life.

In families where the threat of emotional abandonment is covertly used to both control and temper its members, a trigger pattern is set. With repeated reinforcement the individual becomes conditioned to a specific response. When compliance becomes the expectation, shame can used to manipulate the individual. Such subtle conditioning often occurs gradually over a period of time. The individual slowly begins to unconsciously connect associating with people to painful outcomes. Consequently, the individual may consciously believe that apart from maintaining rigid control and compliance to those expectations, they will experience some type of emotional duress.

Until pieces of the puzzle started coming together, I found myself baffled in my attempt to understand and anticipate what was expected of me. In my experience this produced both stress and anxiety, because I was afraid of being rejected and minimized. Over time, I have come to recognize the debilitating impact produced by this type of conditioning. It gradually depletes the individual and drains them of any ambition to explore and use their unique creative expression.

More over, when individuals seek to integrate socially, similar contingencies can be seen deployed. If the individual does not comply with the group’s covert or overt expectations, the previously set trigger is tripped. The individual again is led to believe that they must disregard parts of themselves, in order to embrace what is expected of them. In the event such expectations are used to control or manipulate the individual, with the threat of being ostracized; it is probably not a healthy group. The leaders of the group, as well as the members of the group may collectively be acting out toxic patterns in relating to other people.

When I recognize that rigid control and overt / covert compliance is being used to herd the members of a group I cease to be apart of that group. I am all too familiar with this type of social interaction. Today I chose to practice live and let live. Nevertheless, I have come to realize this as a slippery slope that needs to be avoided.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

I am a Traumatic Brain Injury Survivor

Perfectionism

Twinkle, Twinkle little star
How far did you really fall?
Or was it only expectation
That left you feeling obscure

Malady, malady of contentment
Fleeting as a falling star
Was it there at the stare?
To be a glare, opaque

Brilliance as it were
Yet appearing in despair
Of the air, perfectionism declare
It was complete, now insecure

Greatness, Triumph, Celebration
Minimize, oh there
Because was it really clear
Or only a buoyant mirage unclear

Declare

I wrote this poem a little over 11 years ago. I wrote the poem at a time in my life when I could not accept myself. I was still in living in denial. Sure I had been in a car accident at the age of 10, had an open skull fracture, was in a coma for 3 weeks, but that did not matter. Having an acquired brain injury had not stopped me from obtaining my undergraduate and graduate degrees. Much of my identity was connected to my ability to achieve academically. Consequently, I spent much of my time intellectualizing my experiences.

I had a difficult time accepting my deficits and limitations. I lived in the shadows of other people’s expectations. I regularly bought into other people’s denial systems. I shamed myself for my not being more. I had a very difficult time reconciling my ability to achieve academically (read my post, My Journey thus Far for more information) with my inability to maintain employment. This discrepancy also befuddled both my family and my friends. Consequently, I spent a great deal of time and energy in my attempt to overcompensate for my limitations and deficits. Reality nevertheless proved that I was indeed disabled.

Over the past 11 years I have come to terms with being a traumatic brain injury survivor. I have come to accept myself for who I am and what I can give to others. I share from my experience, strength and hope. I no longer seek to be perfect, just excellent. I also believe that my hope comes from my relationship with the God of my understanding. He alone has the big picture.

In the event that you are also a traumatic brain injury survivor please accept your condition. It is as it is. When I stopped trying to be something I was not (someone with out a disability) my life changed for the better. I found that my ability to move beyond perfectionism started when I began living life on life’s terms. When I learned to love and accept myself, just as I am, my ability to create began to flourish. You no longer have to be more than you are. You are enough! Focus on what you do have, not on what you may longer have because of your injury.

The pursuit of excellence involves a journey, not a destination. I had to learn not to judge my efforts. I had to begin living by the principle of progress not perfection. When I stopped trying to prove my worth, I was able to accept the notion of progress. Perfection is a hard taskmaster. Progress is a gentle coach. Don’t give up on yourself. You are worth your best effort. Make excellence your pursuit; to be the best you. That is what I attempt to pursue as a traumatic brain injury survivor. I am not less than, nor am I more than anyone. I am enough, just for today.

I am glad you are part of the family. You are wonderfully you. I am glad we have had this time together. I also look forward to your next visit. Have a great day!

Table Topics for the Soul – Journey to the Heart. LC Registration #: TXu1-330-434
© copyright – all rights reserved (2007)

A week in the…

Welcome back. Glad you decided to stop by and visit with me. In the last week my internet cable access has gone out on 3 separate occasions. Due my past experiences with tech support services, I am not fond of interacting with any phone support staff, after dialing an 800 #. I will share my experience with you below. My motivation is not to gripe, but to share lessons I learned. May you be encouraged

In the last week I have been I given incorrect information, shuffled back forth from the national help desk (tier 2) to the local (tier 1) support staff for a total of 12 times. On one occasion, I asked to be transferred to the escalation department (tier 3). I was told that supervisors have no technical skill, so talking with them proved to be pointless. What added to my frustration was that each time I spoke with a phone support (tier 1 and Tier 2) I had to again give each phone contact my name, address, phone #, pin #, and answer a series of other questions. I don’t know why the first person could not give the 2nd person my identifiers. What added to my frustration, was after determining that they could not help fix my problem, the phone support person would ask me, “ Can I help you with anything else?” Seesk!

Although my experience with the cable company was frustrating I learned some valuable lessons. Ask to be transferred to a local area support person. The national help desk could not really help me. Being kind to people produces better results than prodding them; i.e. you can attract more bees with honey than with vinegar. I was also reminded that I am truly powerless over some things.

On a different level, I saw how my tenacity and persistence worked in my favor. Tenacity and persistence mixed with kindness brings resolution. The following are two instances where being persistent proved advantageous to resolving my cable problems. Although I was told last Thursday that the next available time for an onsite tech person to come to my home was the following Monday, I kept checking with the local area phone support. Consequently, I was able to get my appointment moved up to this past Saturday morning. After my cable went out again, Wednesday evening, I was told by a phone support tech that the earliest time an onsite tech could come to my home would be Friday afternoon. I am glad that I called this morning (Thursday) because I was able to have a tech come out earlier today and I was back online.

While I waited for the onsite person to arrive this morning I was able to get some other projects completed that I had been putting off. Even though I felt powerless over the Cable Company on many fronts, I was able to see the experience as a teaching tool. You may be facing matters over which you feel powerless. My encouragement to you would be to look for the silver lining. Make a decision to use whatever you feel powerless over as a tool to empower your process. We have the power to chose. Our circumstances are not meant to keep us down, but to build us up.

Are you living in a box?

Welcome back and I am happy you decided to stop by and visit. I want to share something personal with you tonight. I used to see life’s experiences as black and white, with no grays. I often found myself stuck in the polarization of opinion. My black and white thinking interfered with my ability to love and accept myself. I believed that I needed to rigidly adhere to what I was taught by other black and white thinkers. In the process I lost me and was taught to not think out side of the box. I stayed in the box for many years because I believed my security was inside the box.

And then one day I saw a crack in the box and my eyes were opened. I began to notice that there was light outside of the box. Although my black and white thinking attempted to discourage my quest, I mustered up the courage and started on a new journey. With time I started to enjoy the fresh air and the light that I found outside the box. I also discovered that I had placed my understanding of God in a box. With that understanding I placed limits on God. These limits convinced me that God also had black and white thinking and He was incapable of thinking outside the box.

As I have sought to live outside the box, my understanding of God has changed. I have discovered that no box can limit God’s ability to work in my life. I began to see life through a kaleidoscope. Life is now filled with spectacular colors and even shades of gray. Polarized thinking has slowly been replaced with possibility thinking.

In the event that you have been living your life in a box take a risk. If the box has been limiting you, change your way of thinking. Begin to look outside of your self-imposed box. You no longer need to stay in the box. There is a different way of living. Fresh air and brilliant colors await your presence.

Today’s thought
I no longer want to limit myself. I no longer want to be confined by black and white thinking. I want to look and live outside the box. God, help me to see you apart from any box. Help me to live my life in brilliance and wonder.

Table Topics for the Soul – Journey to the Heart. LC Registration #: TXu1-330-434 Copyright © 2007

Your Voice Matters

Good Morning to you. I am glad you decided to stop by and visit with me. Last night and into this morning I have been in meditation concerning Second Chance to Live. I am not talking about obsessing. I am not talking about ruminating. I am talking about connecting with my spirit and with the God of my understanding (read my post Gentle as the Rain for background). My meditation has been focused on searching for the knowledge of God’s will for me.

Although I have specific gifts, talents and abilities, my efforts are not maximized when I do not spend time in prayer and meditation. God’s ability to use me is not limited by my limitations, deficits or disability. Instead, I believe that I limit Him, when I do not spend time in prayer and meditation.

I believe that as a human being I have finite limitations. My greatest limitation with Second Chance to Live involves my readership. I am not quite sure what keeps you coming back to my site and how I can best be of service to you. I share from my experience, strength and hope and believe my material provides hope, comfort and strength. I believe that my material empowers. I would ask you a favor. Can you please let me know what interests you about Second Chance to Live and how I could be more effective? Your voice matters to me.

Are you hiding?

Welcome back. I am happy you decided to stop by and visit. I have been thinking about what happened in Blacksburg, Virginia last week. The news was heard around the world. An individual had made the decision to vent his displaced rage on to unsuspecting students and faculty. At the end 33 people were dead and many more wounded.

News anchors and talk show hosts speculated about the reason for the rampage. Some said it was due to his fixation with video games and others declared that he had been abused and tormented. During this time period other crime scene professionals were examining the area to add to the conjecture.

Interviews with fellow students focused on how shooter was shy and how he had been abused and mistreated by many throughout his life. According to the shooter, the abuse prompted the killing spree. He declared, “You made me do this…” The sad reality is that the shooter did not have to go on his rampage.

I believe he had a choice to seek help, however for whatever reason he chose to hide.

Hopefully the events that occurred on the campus of Virginia Tech will motivate personal responsibility and accountability. In the event that you are hiding please seek help. You no longer have to carry the weight of your pain. There is a way out. Although you may not see a solution now, trust me. I have found a way out of the pain. Reach out to God and He will reach back to you. You will find a way. You will be led. Trust the process. Your life matters to me.

Being Controlled by Others

Our society seems to foster and even encourage irresponsibility. The concept of accountability is often practically dismissed. The buck is passed, the beat goes on, but actual resolution is avoided. People behave in ways, thinking that if a matter is not confronted, it will simply go away. Denial (or as I have heard it put, Don’t Even Know I Am Lying to myself) presents itself as a warm blanket. In actuality, denial is simply like a bandage that only covers a deep wound, so that it can not be seen. Although the wound may not be seen, underneath grows a toxic infection. Untreated, this infection will slowly drain life from those involved.

In families where unresolved pain is denied, roles are given to the various members to create a distraction away from the pain. One of these roles has the function for carrying the pain of the family. Consequently, they may be blamed as the reason for the difficulties in that family. The impact to the individual is devastating, while the underlying trouble continues to fester unchecked. As this roost continues, nothing gets resolved and the disease of perceptions continues to jade the individual. In these dynamics, blame and shame are common denominators used to control. When control is used to manipulate another person into carrying or being responsible for emotional pain, a toxic relationship is established.

The mechanisms used to control may be very subtle in nature, but the results are similar.

As I became aware of these subtle messages the eyes of my understanding were opened. In order to heal emotionally, I needed to stop taking on other people’s emotional pain. Through my process, I have been able to let go of my need to assume responsibility for anyone but myself. I have sought to apply this understanding to all of my relationships. Being accountable for my part in a relationship does not mean that I need to absorb anyone’s pain. I no longer will allow myself to be actively involved in relationships with people who chose to blame me. When I am wrong, I seek to make amends. Beyond that gesture, I will not carry anyone’s emotional pain. In this awareness, I can allow others the dignity to process (if they chose to) their own unresolved histories. Through making this decision, I avoid being pulled under emotionally by someone who may be drowning.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Self-righteousness

As I have observed this attitude, certain truths have become evident. The insidious nature of this condescending behavior seeks to justify contempt, while maintaining a guise of innocence. This shame-based perception challenges the genuineness of other people, while defiantly judging their motives. The sad reality is that individuals who practice self-righteousness often hide behind a cloak of denial. Their denial is cultivated by ignorance and is often guided by arrogance. Ignorance is justified through criticism.

When people in positions of authority use self-righteousness to control and manipulate those under their leadership a spiritual abuse occurs. Emotional and spiritual abuse are used to hook the individual into the leadership system. Spiritual abuse instigates and promotes alienation. Creativity is stymied and motivation is hindered. Fear drives those who adhere to self-righteous dictates. Faith is dashed by negative assessment.

Once the individual complies with such a leadership system, shame is deployed to motivate performance. When such a relationship is established, the individual will be encouraged to “obey” or suffer more abuse. More, becomes the active motivation to appease the onslaught of shaming messages. Striving becomes the way of relating to oneself and to the self-righteous leader.

I have encountered these types of leaders throughout my life. When I became aware of the abuse, I made the decision to discover why I found myself hooked into these types of leaders. After I did my research it became apparent that these leaders did not have my best interests in mind. Instead they sought to manipulate and exploit me to fulfill their own agendas. Once I realized that shame was at the foundation of their motivation, I sought to understand how shame was impacting my life.

I came to recognize the difference between guilt and shame. Through my research, I discovered that guilt occurs when someone has made a mistake. This sense of guilt can be relieved through making an amends or changing a behavior. Shame on the other hand, gives the message that the person does not make mistakes, but is a mistake. When one feels as though they are a mistake, a lingering sense of despair is experienced. When leaders seek to practice self-righteousness, the impact upon those under their leadership can be devastating. Not only will they have to carry their own sense of shame, but also the shame of the self-righteous leader (s).

With time, I began to understand that my sense of shame was based upon a lie. This lie told me that my good was not good enough. Through my process, I have come to believe that my good is good enough. This has been accomplished through a lot of hard work and by separating myself from people (including leaders) who live by a shame script. Therefore, I am able to avoid any shame transfers. I have come to realize that self-righteousness does not motivate, encourage or empower.

Table Topics for the Soul – Journey to the Heart. LC Registration #: TXu1-330-434 Copyright © 2007