Displaced Sadness

In many dysfunctional family systems shame seems to be the core driver. Shame can be used in various ways. Shame is used to avoid uncomfortable feelings and / or personal accountability through blame. Shame can also be deployed to prevent physical and emotional abandonment. Blame through shame mandates compliance to avoid the threat of abandonment. In such family dynamics each individual has to discard parts of themselves in order to avoid being shamed or abandoned.

Such a dynamic can be seen in the individual’s physical, emotional and spiritual development. Early in the child’s life, disowning or discarding occurs each time a trait, quality or characteristic displeases the parent or caregiver. Unconsciously the child learns through the parent’s eyes and gestures what pleases and displeases them. The child begins to associate any quality, characteristic or behavior that does not please the parent as bad. In the event that the parent withholds affection or attention from the child –when the child does not “please” the parent– the threat of physical and / or emotional abandonment is instilled in the child. With holding of affection or attention can be a terrifying event for any child. The child unknowingly begins to associate certain behaviors with specific responses from the parents or caregivers.

As the child continues to develop they learn that repressing what does not please the parent is a way to avoid making Mommy or Daddy angry. {Repression –The unconscious exclusion of painful impulses, desires, or fears from the conscious mind}. Over time the child learns that in order to please his or her parents they must discard any trait, characteristic or quality that displeases the parent. Unconsciously the child may fear the threat of emotional and / or physical abandonment. Depending upon the level or dysfunction in the family system, the child may begin to use active suppression to protect themselves from feelings of annihilation. {Suppression –the conscious exclusion of unacceptable desires, thoughts, or memories from the mind.} As repression turns into suppression, denial becomes the operative mechanism to discard what is perceived as being unacceptable to the “love object” or parent.

Because the child learns to associate negative outcomes with specific qualities, characteristics and traits, they may continue to berate themselves for having “those” unacceptable qualities, characteristics and traits. As the child continues to develop – from an adolescent to a teenager — they may be unable to differentiate between what makes them valuable, special and unique and what they had to discard.

As the individual gets older and begins to seek to form intimate relationships, an interesting phenomenon occurs. The traits, qualities or characteristics once discarded (as they were growing up) are now admired in the new relationship. Initially, these traits are valued and appreciated in the beloved and then something horrible seems to occur. The shame once assigned to those discarded parts of the individual is now transferred onto the beloved. Insidiously, the beloved is now expected to carry that shame for having those once admired traits. Instead of these traits being encouraged and nurtured, they are now viewed as a threat. If the two people stay together in the relationship, those qualities, traits and characteristics will again have to be discarded. Shame has thus again won in the squelching of those qualities. If this goes unchecked, creativity is often lost and thrown by the wayside of life itself.

I have found that the solution to ending the cycle of displaced sadness resides in the place of honesty. I need to look at the parts of myself that I have had to discard to maintain any relationship. Once I begin to realize that someone wants me to carry his or her displaced sadness, I need to evaluate if staying in the relationship is good for me. I have come to believe that I can not help anyone, by carrying his or her sadness. If I continue in that relationship, I may find myself being dragged under spiritually. Each person needs to do resolve their own sadness and shame, as it hinders them. This process ultimately needs to be their choice. I no longer want to discard parts of me; in order to be loved or valued by another person, especially at the expense of carrying someone’s unresolved sadness.

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