Traumatic Brain Injury and When

Hi and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am delighted that you decided to stop by and visit with me. You are always welcome around my table. I have been thinking about a phrase that comes from the Old Testament. Do not despise the day of small beginnings. For too many years I focused upon the destination, “When”. Unknowingly, I bought in to the notion that until I got to the “when” I could not feel good about myself or enjoy life. Consequently, I spent much of my time and energy chasing “when’s”.

You see I predicated my worth and value as a person on the value of when. I used when as a sort of thermometer to determine and distinguish my quality of life. To make matters worse I also adopted other peoples “when’s” as a sort of divining rod to determine how I was experiencing life. Please read my post, Whose Temperature are you Taking? When dangled in front of me like a golden carrot of promise that was continually just out of my reach. When, kept me striving as I attempted to satisfy when’s demands.

In the process, I expended huge amounts of energy. Nevertheless, I was never quite able to satisfy the demands that “when” had for my life.

“When”, kept me from enjoying and celebrating the NOW’s that life was graciously providing. Through a series of events I reached an emotional bottom. In the midst of that emotional bottom I had a spiritual awakening. My spiritual awakening opened my eyes to what was previously hidden from my view. I discovered that the “when’s” of life were working against me. In my struggle to satisfy the demands of “when” I was unable to see the value of NOW.

With my awareness I started making good decisions. I started paying attention to what the NOW’s in my life were wanting to teach me.

As I have grown in my awareness of the NOW’s in life I have slowly been able to let go of the when’s in life. I have come to realize that my NOW’s provide the essential ingredients to empower my process. My NOW’s – circumstances – teach me lessons that prepare me to take advantage of my small beginnings. My small beginnings provide the opportunities that enhance my ability to learn and grow from my experiences.

With my understanding I was slowly able to let go of the “when’s in my life.

As I take advantage of the opportunities provided by my small beginnings I am prepared to take advantage of new opportunities. My experiences consequently become the building blocks that prepare my ability to take advantage of future possibilities. With each new lesson learned I grow in my capacity to use my gifts, talents and abilities. With each new opportunity I am guided in the direction of my destiny. Consequently, I do not have to worry about the “when’s” of life. Instead, I am freed to trust the process, a loving God and my ability to learn from my small beginnings.

Consequently, I take courage in my small beginnings because they are the building blocks of my destiny.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic Brain Injury and Isolation

Hi and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am happy you decided to stop by and visit with me. You are always welcome at my table. With in the past several posts I have spoken to some of my personal struggles. I share my struggles with you for several reasons. The first is to be real with you and the second is to give you permission to share your struggles. The good news is that we do not have to be alone in our struggle.

There have been times in my life when I was unable to give myself permission to practice healthy self-care. I thank God that he brought positive and solution minded people into my life during those times. Those individuals gave me permission to be kind and gentle with myself. The permission they shared with me came in the form of disclosing their own struggles – which were similar to mine – followed by how they came out of isolation.

Their permission gave me the permission to look for a way out of my isolation.

As I listened to these solution-minded people — with in the support groups I was attending – share from their experience, strength and hope I found hope. Slowly, as I continued to suit up and show up at meetings I was able to hear how members worked through similar struggles. Through the process I was able to begin to accept myself. Slowly but surely I found myself coming out of isolation. As I listened and then applied what I was learning to my struggles I began to heal emotionally, mentally and most of all spiritually.

As I opened myself to the sunlight of the spirit I began to experience a new freedom and a new happiness. I am not suggesting that I always experience that freedom and happiness, however I no longer have to stay in isolation. I now know that — when I find myself isolating and struggling with myself — I do not have to be alone in my struggle. I now know that I can give myself permission to ask for help. I no longer have to be limited by my best thinking. I no longer need to be trapped in isolation.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic Brain Injury and Self-Centered Fear

Good afternoon and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am glad you decided to stop by and visit with me. For the past several days I have been experiencing some unrest. In my unrest I found myself becoming anxious and fearful. In my state of mind I opened the door to feeling less than, inadequate and unlovable. As the door stayed open I allowed the recipe of fear and doubt to delude me into believing that my good was simply not good enough.

You see I allowed myself to slip back into believing that because I was not experiencing specific outcomes there was something wrong with me. Like a knee jerk reaction from of old, I experienced debilitating shame. Shame for not being “good” enough. In my attempt to invalidate my sense shame — that who I am and what I do is enough — I found myself comparing myself to other people. In my comparing I found myself experiencing a series of reactions.

None of these reactions provided a reprieve or alleviated my sense of inadequacy. Instead these reactions perpetuated the notion that I needed to answer, defend, and explain who I am to my sense of shame. Because I felt inadequate I experienced some jealousy toward some of my peers, who I perceive are receiving more opportunities than I am in life. I then experienced some frustration because I felt powerless. In my powerlessness I bought into the notion that I needed to do more to be more in order to be given more.

In my delusion I lost sight of my being. As I lost sight of my being, I found myself becoming competitive in an attempt to overcompensate for my insecurities.

When I realized that I had lathered myself into a frenzy of anxiety, I made a wise decision. I decided to call a trusted friend. I realized that I needed to find a solution. From past experience, I knew that I did not have to be alone in my struggle. During our conversation my friend helped me to see that my unrest stemmed from self-centered fear. You see, my self-centered fear was connected to specific outcomes. My self-will frustrated me because I was not getting what I expected / wanted in the time frame that I expected / wanted.

From a place of fear I let pride enter into my process while I unconsciously eased God out of my process — EGO. Not a good decision. When I eased God out of my process I adopted the notion that I alone was responsible to / for whether I could achieve specific outcomes in a prescribed amount of time. In the process I found myself needing to defend, answer and explain my worth to my insecurities / pride / EGO. Because I was unable to achieve those specific outcomes my self- centered fear continued to deluded me.

In the process I became anxious because I was unable to achieve specific outcomes. You see, my self-centered fear was connected to my self-will. Consequently my self-will perpetuated my fear and anxiety because I had connected my worth and value to those specific outcomes.

As my friend and I spoke I regained my spiritual bearings. In the process, I recalled my truth. I don’t have to be more than I am. I am enough. I can let go of outcomes. I can let go of the timing. My footwork is enough and I don’t have to be more than. I don’t have to force solutions. I can surrender my process to a power greater than myself. I can let things happen at the right time. I can trust the process, a loving God and my ability to learn. I can make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of the God.

I don’t have to strive to make anything happen. I don’t have to rely on my own understanding. I don’t have to produce to be enough. I don’t have to compete to be enough. Instead, I can relax and run in my own race. I don’t have to be critical of my process. I don’t have to judge my efforts. I don’t have to compare myself to anyone. I don’t have to be controlled by self-centered fear. Instead I am free to trust my process because I know that more will be revealed. I am free to be in the moment and I am free to enjoy the journey.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic Brain Injury and the Dance

Hi, and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am so glad you decided to stop by and visit with me. I have been thinking about a truth that can easily be forgotten. As a person with an invisible disability I can easily be duped into believing something other than the truth. My deficits and limitations — especially when I filter my reality through critical eyes — can delude my perception. Consequently I may be led to believe that I need to justify, answer and defend who I am in this life, instead of just being who I am in this life.

When I am led to believe that I am not enough, my tendency is to focus on my limitations and deficits. When I use my intrinsic energy to appease those critical and diminishing messages I validate those messages. When I buy into what those critical voices say about me, I live in fear. When I am motivated by fear I buy into the notion that I desperately need to justify my worth and value to those critical voices. In the process I am led to believe that what the voices are saying about me are true. In the process I abandon me.

Critical voices can come from parents, siblings, teachers, employers and from clergy to mention a few sources.

When I do not take the time to be present for myself I find myself agreeing with those critical voices. When I seek to defend, answer and explain why I am — in my attempts to appease the onslaught of critical and devaluing messages – I am slowly led to believe that what I think, feel and believe is not important. In the process I am led to believe that I have to give up parts of who I am – especially those parts that displease the critical voices.

In the process, I slowly shut down emotionally in an attempt to protect my damaged self-image and self-worth as an individual. My fear of being criticized is internalized and I become reactive in my attempt to stop the critical messages. In the process I abandon myself emotionally and sometimes physically.

Slowly, my creative energy is diverted to maintain a dance of contrition. The ludicrous nature of this type of contrition mandates that I deny parts of who I am in order to find peace from without and within. I am conditioned to believe that who I am does not matter as much as fulfilling the requirements for contrition. I am led to believe that I must first calm any and all critical messages before I can have peace with myself. In the process I learn to do a self-defeating dance.

The dance entails an arbitrary set of steps with a similar outcome. The dance stipulates that I am not OK unless you are OK. Essentially, I am led to believe that if you are not OK with me, I need to fix you, so that we can be OK, so that I can be OK with myself. My energy is focused on making you OK. My motivation is to dispel any and all critical messages that tell me that I am not good enough to be loved and accepted just for who I am. In the process, I revert to becoming a human doing in an attempt to justify my being.

Ironically, in the process of participating in the dance I am reinforced with a stark reality… that no matter how much I try to fix you, I will never be able to do enough or be enough to fix you. Consequently, as long as I participate in the dance I willingly participate in the notion that what you think about me is more important than what I think about myself. As long as I believe that I am responsible for you rather than responsible to you I will continue to buy into the notion that I need to do a dance with you in order for you to be OK with me.

When I stop doing the dance, I cease to be at war with myself.

Through my process – over time – I have come to realize that no one wins when doing the above dance. I have come to realize that I need to be responsible to and for my own feelings, needs and wants in life. I also need to give you the dignity to be responsible to and for your own feelings, needs and wants. I recognize that I simply can not fix you or anyone. In my struggle, I have come to recognize that unrealistic expectations — of God, of you or of myself — undermine my capacity to trust the process, a loving God and myself.

Through my experience, I have learned to question my motives. In the event that I have a compulsion to “fix”another person for the purposes of making them OK (so that they won’t be critical of me) so that I can be OK with them, so that I can be OK with me — I need to step away from the dance. In so doing I avoid behaviors that would otherwise promote anxiety and fear in me. In the process I am able to keep the focus on myself instead of taking responsiblity for what is many times none of my business.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic Brain Injury and Susceptibility

Hi and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friends. You are always welcome around my table. During the past several days I have been a tad frustrated. My frustration arose from a conundrum. As an individual living with an invisible disability I am confronted with a reality. Through my process, I have come to accept that my gifts, talents and abilities are honed by my reality. I have also come to accept that my deficits and limitations stem from my reality.

My reality does not promote a sense of inferiority or insecurity. Nevertheless, when I interact with individuals who can not accept my reality, I can find myself internalizing a sense of shame for my reality. At these times I am susceptible to being abused overtly or covertly for being in my reality. What makes matters worse is that when I cease to own and accept my reality, I buy into the lack of acceptance. In the process I subject myself to be abused because of my reality. Please read my post, Who is limiting you?

When I do not accept my reality my insecurities are revisited and I am forced to learn through my experience because of my discomfort. Consequently, I am confronted with a choice. I can choose to internalize the individual’s non-acceptance of my reality and be subject to overt or covert abuse. My second choice is to embrace my reality and detach from assuming responsibility for another person’s lack of acceptance. My third choice would be to participate in self-limiting, self-destructive behaviors.

I make the choice to learn and grow from my reality, instead of internalizing someone’s lack of acceptance. I make the choice to practice healthy self-care and to avoid self-destructive behaviors.

Through my process and an increasing awareness I have grown because of my reality. I have come to understand that I am not my traumatic brain injury, my deficits or my limitations. I have come to accept how my deficits and limitations contribute to my reality. As I embrace, own and accept my reality I am empowered to live and thrive as a person with an invisible disability. Please read my post, Traumatic Brain Injury – Thriving with a Disability.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic Brain Injury and the Learning Curve

Hi and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by and visit with me. I have been thinking about the topic of progress. Sometimes the ominous nature of change can overwhelm. The fear of failure can debilitate and discourage us from venturing into the unknown. Although we may want to or realize that we need to do something different the fear of making those changes keeps up frozen in the familiar.

We may believe that we are terminally unique and that our situation is hopeless. We may have been led to believe that we can not do anything right or that we do things “in a half-assed way”. We may believe that the struggle to make empowering choices is just not worth the risk. We may be confined by an all or none belief system. Our black and white thinking may block our willingness to grow beyond that, which has become familiar to us.

My friend, I have good news. You are not terminally unique. You are wonderfully you. You and I are a work in progress. We don’t have to apologize for our inherent greatness. Our inherent greatness is waiting to be expressed beyond the shores of our imagination. We no longer need to be stymied by the expectations of the past. Instead we are free to push off from the shore of our apprehension and sail in the direction of our dreams. Our hope hoisted to sail on the sea of possibilities.

We don’t have to do “things” perfectly. We no longer have to be held hostage by an “all or none” or “black and white” way of relating to life. We no longer need to be confined by a daunting sense of self-doubt. We can instead choose to live life in a different way. We can take courage in our process. We can celebrate the progress to be experienced because with everything there is a learning curve. We can choose to grow beyond what no longer works for us.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic Brain Injury and Why

Hi and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. You are always welcome around my table. During our lifetimes we have all asked a one-word question when events happened that we didn’t understand. WHY? For many years I found myself asking that same question in different ways. Consequently, I found myself frustrated most of the time until I learned a valuable lesson. Circumstances are the “seed bed” from which my lessons are birthed. I can not learn apart from circumstances. Those lessons prepare me to take advantage of the opportunities that become available to me. Those opportunities point me in the direction of my destiny. As I grew in my awareness, certain truths became evident to me.

Circumstances are switches on the railroad of life that direct my life. As I take time to recognize the value of those switches, the eyes of my heart — once blinded by my dismay — are opened to a new array of possibilities. Hope in turn becomes the catalyst for change. With my awareness, I came to accept that my circumstances provide the necessary threshold essential for opening new doors of opportunity. Rather than arguing with my circumstances, I have learned to embrace those circumstances. Consequently, I no longer need to struggle with the question of WHY. WHY NOT instead becomes my anthem, because I choose to learn through my circumstances.

WHY NOT empowers my ability to live life on life’s terms because I know that I can trust the process, a loving God and myself. WHY NOT motivates me to be solution minded, rather than focusing upon that which I am powerless to change.

Reality becomes my haven as I take advantage of the WHY NOT in my life. WHY NOT then empowers my ability to grow through that which I may not presently understand or appreciate. WHY NOT empowers my reality. WHY NOT frees me from the need to believe that I am a victim of my circumstances. WHY NOT frees me from being caught in a maze of disappointment. WHY NOT channels the change that engages my creative capacity. WHY NOT ransoms me from the confines of my complacency. WHY NOT empowers my capacity to live the life I have imagined because I know that more will be revealed. WHY NOT ensures that I have a future and a hope because I choose to not give up on my process, a loving God and on my ability to learn because of the WHY NOT.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic Brain Injury and the Deception

Hi and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am happy you decided to stop by and visit with me. I have been thinking about a topic that I believe is at the foundation of anyone’s healing process. Let me explain. For many years I believed that I could not measure up to the expectations that God had for me. As a result, I did not believe that I could expect God to be there for me. I found myself struggling to measure up to be good enough so that I could receive His unconditional love for me. Because I never really felt good enough, I believed that God could not love me unconditionally and therefore I could not depend upon Him. In my deception, I cut myself off from the very source of my healing.

My relationship with my Dad – while growing up – unknowingly taught me to believe that my good was not good enough. I was also led to believe that my worth was found in my doing rather than in my being. I became what I have heard referred to as a human doing. Perfectionism taught me that who I was in life was not good enough. Perfectionism taught me that I needed to perform to be loved, accepted and approved. Consequently, I believed my worth and value were stipulated upon whether I performed up to the expectations of my parents, peers, teachers and employers. What I experienced conditioned me to believe that if I did not measure up to the “expectations” I would be rejected, ostracized and abandoned emotionally if not physically. The voice of perfectionism echoed in my subconscious demanding that I do more to justify my existence so that I would not experience the fear of annihilation at the core of my being. As I strove to ward off my unconscious terror, I lost sight of my being. Unconsciously, I transferred that belief system on to my relationship with God.

Perfectionism is a cruel taskmaster. The cruel nature of perfectionism indiscriminately raises the bar of expectation.

The nature of my invisible disabilities aided in the deception — that my good was not good enough. My insecurities blinded my ability to recognize my value. For many years I felt like a person who was all dressed up with no where to go. Although I diligently prepared myself to be of maximum service to God, and my fellow man / woman no one seemed to want what I had to give. Consequently, I felt like a failure. Through a series of events I became sick and tired of being sick and tired. I woke up to the reality that I could never be perfect. I realized that I could never measure up to the code of perfectionism. The beauty of my process brought me to a place of surrender. The process was slow and the journey was painfully arduous at times. Several years ago I had a spiritual awakening that changed my life forever. The process is more important than the destination. Please read my 2 part series, On the Road to Healing. I slowly stopped buying into the notion that I had to measure up to be enough.

What we thought was meant for our harm, has been turned for our good.

Today I realize that I am a work in process and in that process I am learning what works best for me. Please read my post, Traumatic Brain Injury and Limitations. Looking back over my life I believe I was being prepared for this point in time. I now have a medium to share my experience, strength and hope as a tbi survivor. What I experienced through my struggle and disappointment — as I have shared in My Journey thus Far — prepared me to be successful in a way that works for me. What I thought were failures during the course of my life, were instead wonderful opportunities that were preparing me to live the life I have imagined. My experiences were pointing me in the direction of my destiny. Although I once thought that God was mad at me, I now know that God has always been madly in love with me. What I thought was being done to me was actually being done for me. God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. As a loving parent, He was guiding and directing my steps. What I could not see then is now coming into focus.

“If you advance confidently in the direction of your dreams and endeavor to live the life that you have imagined…you will meet with success unexpected in common hours.” Henry David Thoreau

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic Brain Injury and Teachers

Good morning and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. Your presence is always appreciated and highly valued my friend. I have re-learned a lesson, not a new lesson, just in a different setting with a different person. A teacher emerged from an unlikely source, someone that I have interacted with over an extended period of time. An unlikely teacher, because I had a difficult time hearing what they had to say.

Following the meeting — where I had interacted with this individual – I spoke with several of my trusted friends. During our conversation, my friends gently reminded me of a truth that my dander had kept me from seeing. Because I had a difficult time hearing what the “teacher” was saying, I felt the need to justify my position. Over the course of my conversation with my friends, the truth in the lesson became obvious.

What the “teacher” was pointing out to me was of utmost importance. You see I had failed to see the value of the message, because of the conflict I had with the messenger. Although I initially felt justified in my actions, as I spoke with my trusted friends — people who I respect and who seek to live in the solution — the truth rang out clear to me. I needed to make changes based on the lesson the “teacher” was teaching me.

Life sends many lessons our way each day. Sometimes those lessons come through people who we may want to dismiss or discount because we won’t or can’t be honest within ourselves. Our biases and unfinished business – unfinished family of origin work – detour our ability to own what we are being taught. In our avoidance we become victims by our unwillingness to learn from our circumstances.

My experience has taught me that I will continue to react to people, places and things until I become willing to learn from the teachers that are sent to point me in the direction of my destiny.

In my experience, I have found that when I react to someone, my reaction is more about me than about anyone. Although I may want to delude myself into believing that the problem exists with out, I have found all too often that my problem exists within. As I am accountable to myself and for my reactions to people, places and things I empower my capacity to trust the process. As I trust the process, I am able to trust a loving God which in turn empowers my ability to learn from the teacher’s that are brought in to my life.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA