Second Chance to Live – The Truth about Humiliation and Humility

Per a comment that I received in response to my article, Traumatic Brain Injury and Humility I have made the decision to reprint the article under the above title. My motivation is to make the information available to anyone on the World Wide Web who may have been deceived by the voice of humiliation.

Over the course of time, the concept of humility has been confused by the dictates of humiliation. For many years I allowed the voice of humiliation to direct my steps. The voice of humiliation demanded that I do more – to justify my existence — even as I argued with my internal sense of shame. In my attempt to quiet the chiding voice of humiliation I focused on the expectations that were demanded of me.

Humiliation kept me weighed down as I focused on the could of (s), should of (s), and would of (s) of my life. Humiliation promoted an endless sense of hopelessness.

Through my process I have grown in my awareness. My awareness revealed stark distinctions between humiliation and humility. Consequently, I have come to recognize the hidden agenda set forth by humiliation. Humiliations agenda seeks to tear down, while humility’s agenda seeks to build up. Humiliation decries the human spirit, where as humility triumphs in the human spirit. Humiliation’s motive is to shame and strip the individual of their initiation to create, while humility longs to entrust and empower.

Humiliation’s motive is to undermine trust – trust in the process, in a loving God and in oneself. Humiliations goal is to control through the mechanism of shame. Humiliation’s center is found in the abyss of fear.

Humiliation seeks to repress resiliency, where as humility promotes hope. Humiliation undermines and isolates, while humility embraces inclusion. Humiliation suppresses the desire to explore through the fear of failure where as humility inspires the individual to push off from the shore. Humiliation minimizes progress through doubt and denial, while humility empowers expression through faith and trust. Humiliation by nature endeavors to disparage and minimize while humility champions hopes and dreams.

Humiliation dismisses with contempt while humility rewards with grace and truth.

For many years I cowered under the insinuations made by humiliation. Because I did not know better I felt helpless under the onslaught of humiliations contemptuous nature. I continued to be bullied by humiliation’s dictates until the day I was introduced to humility. Through my new relationship with humility I have come to recognize humility’s gentle nature. Humility — in turn — has benevolently ushered me away from the unreasonable dictates set forth by humiliation

As I have gotten to know humility I have been coaxed to trust the process. No demands have made of me through our relationship. Humility instead has allowed our relationship to develop naturally. As I have grown in my trust of humility I have learned how to trust a loving God and His guidance. I have also come to value my opinion, because I now matter. Consequently, I have learned to trust myself. Humility has given me the dignity to learn from my experience. Humility cheers me on as I grow through my experience.

Humility has taught me to value my efforts. Humility has shown me a new way of life. I am now free to pursue excellence with out any fear of reprisal. Humility spurs me on with encouragement because I know that I am accepted. Humility supports me with each new step that I take as I move toward my destiny. Humility provides a haven of assurance because I know that I do not have to be more than to be enough. Humility releases me to value my process, because I no longer need to judge my efforts.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic Brain Injury and Humility

Over the course of time, the concept of humility has been confused by the dictates of humiliation. For many years I allowed the voice of humiliation to direct my steps. The voice of humiliation demanded that I do more – to justify my existence — even as I argued with my internal sense of shame. In my attempt to quiet the chiding voice of humiliation I focused on the expectations that were demanded of me.

Humiliation kept me weighed down as I focused on the should of (s), could of (s) and would of (s) of my life. Humiliation promoted an endless sense of hopelessness.

Through my process I have grown in my awareness. My awareness revealed stark distinctions between humiliation and humility. Consequently, I have come to recognize the hidden agenda set forth by humiliation. Humiliations agenda seeks to tear down, while humility’s agenda seeks to build up. Humiliation decries the human spirit, where as humility triumphs in the human spirit. Humiliation’s motive is to shame and strip the individual of their initiation to create, while humility longs to entrust and empower.

Humiliation’s motive is to undermine trust – trust in the process, in a loving God and in oneself. Humiliations goal is to control through the mechanism of shame. Humiliation’s center is found in the abyss of fear.

Humiliation seeks to repress resiliency, where as humility promotes hope. Humiliation undermines and isolates, while humility embraces inclusion. Humiliation suppresses the desire to explore through the fear of failure where as humility inspires the individual to push off from the shore. Humiliation minimizes progress through doubt and denial, while humility empowers expression through faith and trust. Humiliation by nature endeavors to disparage and minimize while humility champions hopes and dreams.

Humiliation dismisses with contempt while humility rewards with grace and truth.

For many years I cowered under the insinuations made by humiliation. Because I did not know better I felt helpless under the onslaught of humiliations contemptuous nature. I continued to be bullied by humiliation’s dictates until the day I was introduced to humility. Through my new relationship with humility I have come to recognize humility’s gentle nature. Humility — in turn — has benevolently ushered me away from the unreasonable dictates set forth by humiliation

As I have gotten to know humility I have been coaxed to trust the process. No demands have made of me through our relationship. Humility instead has allowed our relationship to develop naturally. As I have grown in my trust of humility I have learned how to trust a loving God and His guidance. I have also come to value my opinion, because I now matter. Consequently, I have learned to trust myself. Humility has given me the dignity to learn from my experience. Humility cheers me on as I grow through my experience.

Humility has taught me to value my efforts. Humility has shown me a new way of life. I am now free to pursue excellence with out any fear of reprisal. Humility spurs me on with encouragement because I know that I am accepted. Humility supports me with each new step that I take as I move toward my destiny. Humility provides a haven of assurance because I know that I do not have to be more than to be enough. Humility releases me to value my process, because I no longer need to judge my efforts.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic Brain Injury and Small Successes

This simple — but profound –- concept alluded me for a large part of my life. You see, I thought that perfection was the benchmark of success. The demand for perfection clouded my eyes and I was unable to celebrate the progress that I was making because of my small successes. You see, perfectionism kept raising the bar of expectation. The fear of failure coupled with a pervasive sense of shame – that I can not be enough – arrested my desire to thrive. In effect, I found myself stuck in an abyss of fear and anxiety.

In my attempt to silence the voice of shame and inadequacy, I found myself tenaciously pursuing the illusion of perfection. As I continued to overcompensate for my sense of shame, I found myself in a dilemma. Because the good that I did was rarely quite good enough, I found myself in an endless cycle of striving to be more through doing more. Over time and through repeated bouts of exasperation I arrived at some definite conclusions. I could not do enough to be enough under the taskmaster of perfectionism.

In the midst of my exasperation I had a spiritual awakening. I was meant to be a human being and not a human doing.

Over time and through being proactively involved in my recovery process I began to realize what I was doing to myself. In my attempt to satisfy the voice of more I set myself up to be irritable, restless and discontent. Irritable when things did not go my way, restless because of my unconscious anxiety, and discontent because I could not be at peace with myself. Consequently, I became frantic in my attempts to force solutions because the outcome was more important to me than the process.

The reality was that in the process of forcing solutions I never got what I really wanted – peace with myself.

Through my pursuit to be free from the faulty belief system of “more”, I have had several spiritual awakenings. With time, my belief system has changed. I am able to be free from the drive to control outcomes because I am not because I do. I no longer feel the need to overcompensate, in order to prove my worth and value. I now know that I am enough. I have come to realize that my life is found in the process, not in the outcomes. Consequently, I can trust God with the outcomes, while I enjoy the footwork.

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant. Robert Louis Stevenson

I now find myself encouraging people I meet along the path of life with this statement, “Take one step at a time, keep going at what you are doing and before long you will look back and see how far you have come”. By maintaining this philosophy I am inspired to celebrate my small successes because I know that I can trust the process, a loving God and myself.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic Brain Injury and the Gift

Hi and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am happy to see you decided to drop by and visit with me. You are always welcome at my table. In a few of my previous posts I have shared that I am a student of the martial arts. For the past seven years I have been training in Jun Fan Jeet Kune Do from 4 – 6 times per week. Approximately 6 weeks ago I started having pain in my left calf muscle – left lower leg. The pain would become pronounced when I engaged in high impact activities.

To make a long story short, I saw my Sports Medicine Dr. and he gave me some stretches to do, thinking that my discomfort was coming from my calves being tight. I worked on stretching my calves, but the stretching seemed to irritate the muscle. Consequently, I set up another appointment to see my Dr. and at that appointment he told me that I needed to cut back on back on my workouts. Between the martial arts school and the YMCA I have been working out between 9-10 times per week.

I am in the best shape than I have ever been in my life, however I have come up against another wall. I am going to turn 51 next month and my body can no longer be pushed as hard as when I was a younger man. At my appointment with my Dr., he told me that I needed to cut my work outs back to 3 times per week. As you might imagine I was initially not happy with these instructions, as they would interfere with my training at the martial arts school for 2-3 months.

This past Monday afternoon while working out at the YMCA the need to heed the instructions was reinforced. While executing front kicks on the heavy bag the pain in my left calf became evident – once again. In order to heal I would need to eliminate impact activities in my workouts and cut back to working out to 3 times a week. In the aftermath of my realization, I made a hard decision to stop training at the martial arts school for the next 2-3 month.

After I made the decision to take a break from training at the martial arts school and to heed my Dr.’s instruction I started looking for ways to use my time. In the past several days I have found strong encouragement because of my decisions. I am encouraged because I have set some goals and I look forward to working toward accomplishing those goals over the next 2-3 months. Serendipitously, I have been given the opportunity to expand my horizons.

Today’s Thought

Our plans may not be the best plan. As we trust the process more is revealed. When we let go of our plans we become ready… to see the possibilities. The gift — once hidden — is revealed in serendipity.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” Helen Keller

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can not change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Traumatic Brain Injury and Overalls

Hi and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I hope you are doing well and having fun with life. Life is for living, not merely existing. I have been thinking about a particular quote. In life we are confronted with change and challenge. When faced with change we are presented with new challenges. These changes and challenges sometimes present themselves in peculiar packages. The peculiar nature of those packages can lull you and I into the belief that we can do nothing.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. Thomas A. Edison

I have found that although some things are out of my control, I am not helpless. In my experience, when I am confronted with change and challenge I am given an opportunity. The opportunity becomes apparent through the experience. The experience unfolds, as I am willing to learn because of the change and the challenge. The choices that I make –because of the experience — will either empower my process or leave me feeling helpless. The good news is that I do not have to believe a lie.

The good news is that I am not helpless. I have the power of choice. Craig J. Phillips

When I own the unlimited power of choice I am able to harness my capacity to grow from any change or challenge that I may encounter as a traumatic brain injury survivor. My experience has taught me to own my power of choice because I realize that I have been created to be a proactive participant in my process. Consequently, the obvious becomes evident to me. I am not a victim of my experience, because I am not helpless. I can choose to learn. I can choose to be empowered through my experience. I can choose to live.

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. Ralph Waldo Emerson

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Second Chance to Live — I am no longer alone — Part 2

For Context Please read Part 1

Being alone as an adult can subsequently become a terrifying experience because the individual has been conditioned to believe that they simply do not matter because they are unable to meet the narcissistic needs of another person.

With this said, I learned that in order to avoid being alone I needed to anticipate, adjust and then satisfy the needs–or expectations—of those around me. In the event that I was not successful in this anticipation, I would experience rejection and loneliness. What I had learned at an early age –because my caregivers did not have the right information at that time — was consciously being acted out in my adult life. The apparent nature of my codependency became pronounced when I entered into intimate relationship.

Unconsciously, I sought to be in relationships with women — who were often emotionally incapable of meeting their own needs — while believing that if I met their emotional needs, they would in turn desire / want / seek to meet my emotional needs. When my needs were not met I became angry and resentful towards those women for not meeting my needs.

The sad reality proved to be that I had no idea how to meet my own needs. Because I did not know how to meet my own needs I would frantically try to fix the woman, while hoping that she would in turn fix me. The sad reality was that neither one of us knew how to meet our own emotional needs. We were in essence damaged individuals who were hoping to be fixed by the other person.

Consequently I would desperately try to “fix her” so that she would be OK, so that we would be OK, in order for me to be OK with me.

I continued to experience ongoing loneliness, until I started to understand — through doing my work — that I did not have to “fix” anyone to be able to have my emotional needs met. I have come to realize that if I am waiting to successfully make anyone “OK”, in order to be “OK” with me, I will never truly be “OK” with me.

Consequently I have learned some valuable lessons. I am responsible for and to myself. In my relationships I am responsible to but not for other individual.

Through my process I have grown to honor my alone space. Being alone no longer reminds me of my inadequacy, but instead provides an opportunity to be revived and refreshed. In my solitude I find comfort and strength because I realize that I never have to be alone again because I am present with me.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Second Chance to Live — I am no longer alone — Part 1

Hi and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am so glad you decided to stop by and visit with me. I have been thinking about a topic that presents the individual with a conundrum. The state of being alone can be perceived as a threat or a blessing. I have come to understand that the distinction lies with in the unconscious mind of the individual. Many times the distinction remains blurred because of a lack of knowledge.

Through my process I have come to understand the distinction. Let me share what I have learned. Early in a child’s development, being alone is often linked to a learned helpless. Without the proactive attention and support from caregiver the needs of the child will go unmet. Unconsciously the child begins to associate the fulfillment of their needs to the presence of their caregiver. Because the child’s well being is connected to the caregiver a dependency is formed.

When the caregiver seeks to have their emotional needs met through the child, the child suffers emotionally. Unknowingly the child assumes responsibility for the caregiver.

Through being dependent, vulnerability is forever linked to having and getting physical and emotional needs met. Consequently, the child is conditioned to believe that if the caregiver is not happy their needs may go unmet. The association between getting and having needs met and care taking the caregiver may subsequently create an internal struggle. The struggle may initially be on a subconscious level, but with time the unspoken expectation (s) becomes clear to the child.

The needs of the child, adolescent and teenager become dependent upon an unconscious formula – I need to make you OK so that we can be OK so that I can be OK with me – in order to get my needs met by you.

The child is conditioned to believe that unless the caretaker is happy, the child may not get their needs met. Unconsciously – over time — the child is led to believe that their needs are secondary to pleasing the caregiver. As the individual becomes an adolescent, a teenager and then a young adult the lessons learned as a child are unconsciously transposed on to other relationships. The paradigm between getting their needs met and care taking the needs of other people is blurred.

In essence, the adolescent, the teenager and then the young adult learns that their needs are not as important as satisfying the narcissistic needs of another person.

As the teenager grows into a young adult the core belief — that they can not be OK with themselves until they are OK with other people — becomes an unconscious motivator as they relate to their world. Consequently the young adult may be led to believe that – as the child once was led to believe – that their adult needs can not be met before they meet the narcissistic needs of another adult. As a result, a sense of helplessness may be attached to their perceived vulnerability because they are unable to meet the needs of another adult. Please Read Part 2

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic Brain Injury — Thriving as a Square Peg

Hi and welcome to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am happy to see you decided to stop by and visit with me. In my recent post, Traumatic Brain Injury and the Square Peg I spoke to several issues. Today I will elaborate on those concepts. As I spoke about round and square pegs my intention was not to disparage round pegs or to herald square pegs into an elite group of people. Instead, my motive was to share some lessons with you that I have learned through my experience as a square peg.

For too many years I minimized my value because I was different than “other” people. As a traumatic brain injury survivor, a person with an invisible disability and a square peg I attempted to disguise myself as a round peg. In my attempts to avoid being rejected and made fun of I resorted to people pleasing and approval seeking. You see I sincerely believed that I needed to convince people of my worthiness because I did not feel worthy.

In essence, I was desperately seeking to have my worth validated and approved of by individuals in my world because I did not know how to validate and approve of myself.

One day the obvious became apparent. I was spinning my wheels in my attempts to convince the round pegs in my world of my worth and value. Through my process I came to realize that I needed to learn how to love, accept and approve of myself. As I owned my responsibility I realized that I was created to be my own champion. I needed to be my own cheerleader and in the process set my own course.

I could no longer wait to be enlisted in someone else’s vision or dreams. I needed to set my own course and I needed to stay committed to my process.

I needed to be my own square peg. I needed to use what had been given to me. In the process I started to use my gifts, talents and abilities in ways that worked for me. With time and because I have come to accept myself as a square peg I have matured in ways that once seemed to be out of my grasp. Consequently, my gifts, talents and abilities have made a way for me.

Through my process I have grown to value and respect who I am and what I bring to the table of life. Therefore I no longer need to fly with other birds to be OK with me. I no longer need to convince anyone of my value and worth. Instead, I am free to set my own course and fly at my own pace. I am free to explore beyond the shores of my imagination and I am free to think out side the box.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic Brain Injury and the Square Peg

Hi and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am glad to see you decided to stop by and visit with me. I have been thinking about the topic of identity. For many years I allowed my identity to be defined out side of me. Status and monetary qualification was the measuring stick that I sought to measure up to so that I could establish my self-worth and self-value as an individual.

Because I focused on status and money – the status of an identity and the financial security that would attract a mate – my life stayed in turmoil. The turmoil arose from my inability to secure my status in the world, which was trumpeted and reinforced by my financial insecurity. My financial security forever seemed to be out of my reach because of my inability to maintain gainful employment.

Over time and through my struggle to fit into societal and family expectations I had a spiritual awakening. My spiritual awakening revealed to me that for many years I was trying to fit my life into a round hole when I was created to be a square peg. Through my spiritual awakening I began to realize that I could no longer base my value, worth or identify on my ability to fit into a round hole.

I could no longer base my value, worth or identity on my ability to fit into a round hole because I was created to be a square peg. I could not create my own identity until I was able to accept that I was created to be a square peg.

As a square peg I began to accept that my financial security could no longer be dependent upon a round peg system. I had to begin to think like a square peg. I had to think out side the box. With my awareness, the obvious became apparent. I could no longer find my security or my identity in a system that celebrated and rewarded round pegs. I had to find a system that worked for me.

Over time I have come to accept, but more so to celebrate the beauty of who I am — a square peg. I have come to not only celebrate who I am but to excel as a square peg through my gifts, talents and abilities. I am not suggesting that I have arrived – because I know that I have not – but I no longer fight against myself. I no longer attempt to be something that I am not – a round peg.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic Brain Injury – Freedom from Isolation – Part 2

In the process of my transition from a counselor to a client I was scheduled to have an EEG – I had 2 done as a child – and a battery of neuropsychological tests. The results from these tests revealed that I had indeed been impacted by a traumatic brain injury. The results of these tests were revealed to me in 1994. I was 37 years of age at that time. Even though the results from those tests clearly showed that my life had and was being impacted because of my traumatic brain injury– I continued to buy into a denial system that would not accept that I was disabled because of my traumatic brain injury. Consequently I remained in my own denial for an additional 6-7 years from that point in time.

During those 6-7 years I minimized, marginalized and berated myself for the impact that my traumatic brain injury had upon my life. Consequently I continued to internalize disdain for myself. When the emotional the pain of denying my reality superseded my need to deny my reality, I made the decision to accept my reality. During the past 8 years of my life I have grown in the acceptance of my reality – that I am a traumatic brain injury survivor. I have come to realize that my deficits and limitations are not weaknesses of character or sin. My deficits and limitations instead have given me wings to fly.

In my experience, I needed to identify what my life was like before I sustained my traumatic brain injury, what my life was like at the time of my brain injury and how my life has been impacted in the time since I sustained my traumatic brain injury.

In my healing process I have had to look at every facet of my life. Through my academic training but more so through my commitment and participation in my own recovery process — through my involvement and active participation in various support groups — I have come to understand myself. I have come to recognize that who I am – what makes me, me – is specific to my body, soul and spirit. My body houses my soul – my mind, will and intellect – and my spirit. My mind, will and intellect directs my life while my spirit gives me the ability to connect with the God of my understanding and with myself.

Through my recovery process I am being healed in my body, my soul and my spirit. As I heal my energy is released to find creative expression through my body, soul and spirit

Through being an active participant in my recovery process and by attending healthy – solution oriented – support group meetings I have and continue to be healed in ways that once seemed to be out of my grasp. Along the way I have learned how to maintain my spiritual fitness so that I am able to remain conscious to my process. I have learned how to maintain conscious contact with the God of my understanding. I have learned how to be honest with myself. I have learned how to keep my side of the street clean. I have learned how to let go of resentments and unrealistic expectations. I have found where I end and where other people begin.

The obvious became apparent over time. If I had not actively pursued my own recovery process through attending healthy – solution oriented — support group meetings I would still be an angry, critical and bitter traumatic brain injury survivor.

Through my recovery process – during the past 22 years of my life – I have learned some valuable lessons. I don’t have to be alone in my process. I can ask for help. I don’t have to rely on my own understanding or on my ability to figure things out on my own. I no longer need to be limited by anyone’s denial, much less by my own denial. I can come out of hiding. I can maintain my conscious contact with a loving God. I can trust the process. I can learn from my circumstances. I can find solutions. I can live life on life’s terms. I can come out of isolation and I will heal. Part 1

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA