Second Chance to Live — I am no longer alone — Part 2

For Context Please read Part 1

Being alone as an adult can subsequently become a terrifying experience because the individual has been conditioned to believe that they simply do not matter because they are unable to meet the narcissistic needs of another person.

With this said, I learned that in order to avoid being alone I needed to anticipate, adjust and then satisfy the needs–or expectations—of those around me. In the event that I was not successful in this anticipation, I would experience rejection and loneliness. What I had learned at an early age –because my caregivers did not have the right information at that time — was consciously being acted out in my adult life. The apparent nature of my codependency became pronounced when I entered into intimate relationship.

Unconsciously, I sought to be in relationships with women — who were often emotionally incapable of meeting their own needs — while believing that if I met their emotional needs, they would in turn desire / want / seek to meet my emotional needs. When my needs were not met I became angry and resentful towards those women for not meeting my needs.

The sad reality proved to be that I had no idea how to meet my own needs. Because I did not know how to meet my own needs I would frantically try to fix the woman, while hoping that she would in turn fix me. The sad reality was that neither one of us knew how to meet our own emotional needs. We were in essence damaged individuals who were hoping to be fixed by the other person.

Consequently I would desperately try to “fix her” so that she would be OK, so that we would be OK, in order for me to be OK with me.

I continued to experience ongoing loneliness, until I started to understand — through doing my work — that I did not have to “fix” anyone to be able to have my emotional needs met. I have come to realize that if I am waiting to successfully make anyone “OK”, in order to be “OK” with me, I will never truly be “OK” with me.

Consequently I have learned some valuable lessons. I am responsible for and to myself. In my relationships I am responsible to but not for other individual.

Through my process I have grown to honor my alone space. Being alone no longer reminds me of my inadequacy, but instead provides an opportunity to be revived and refreshed. In my solitude I find comfort and strength because I realize that I never have to be alone again because I am present with me.

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