Second Chance to Live – Overcoming Anxiety — Part 2 of 2

For sake of context please read Part 1. Thank you.

After receiving the computer’s message, I decided to defragment the hard drive to free up space so that I could load my programs and files on to the hard drive. After starting the deframentation process I discovered that the files — that I thought my friend would have removed before he loaded the operating system — were still on the hard drive. To my chagrin the files and folders that had been left on the computer’s hard drive could not be defragmented.

I then realized that I had no idea what might be in those files and folders, nor would I want to be held responsible for what was contained in those files and folders. At this point in time I felt like a deer caught in the head lights. As you might imagine I began to experience some anxiety – give my 3 previous nightmarish experiences with having to reload operating systems — as the obvious was becoming apparent. I was going to have to reformat and reload the operating system by myself.

Initially, I was a bit frustrated by my anxiety, but after I refocused my energy, I realized that I was going to have to reformat and reload the operating system.

When I accepted that I was going to have to reformat and then reload the operating system I took the next step. Consequently, several nights ago — around 10 pm — I put the Windows XP Professional disc into the DVD tray and rebooted my newer computer. As was suggested by my friends I followed the on screen promptings and my computer’s hard drive was reformatted. Once the hard drive was reformatted I began the process of loading the Windows XP operating system onto my hard drive.

The process was tedious and time consuming, but very satisfying — because after 7-8 hours I experienced the joy in knowing that I succeeded in overcoming my anxiety.

Since the time I have successfully loaded programs and files on to the computer’s hard drive and the computer is running marvelously. I am so glad that I took the risk to confront my anxiety. My experience has taught me that I can in fact successfully reformat and reload an operating system. Consequently I am no longer subject to the anxiety that once limited me.

My experience has empowered me to address other areas in my life that presently may seem to loom so large.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Second Chance to Live – Overcoming Anxiety — Part 1 of 2

Hi and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am so glad that you decided to stop by to visit with me. Over the past several days I have had a life changing experience. To some the experience may not be that big of a deal, but for me the experience has empowered my process. You see, I decided to take a risk and confront something that promoted a sense of anxiety in me. Let me explain.

Because I encountered 3 nightmarish experiences with having to reload the windows 98 SE operating system on 3 separate occasions [through tech support system– Tiers 1, 2, and 3 – over a dial up modem in years gone by] I had anxiety whenever I considered the possibility of having to reload my computer’s operating system. Consequently, I took all kinds of precautions to minimize the risk.

Consequently, I took all kinds of precautions to minimize the possibility of having to reload my computer’s operating system.

During the past several months my present computer has been on the decline. As a result, I have been asking around — my friends — to see if they knew of anyone who had a computer that they were not using and would be willing to give to me. Through my inquiring one of my friends mentioned that he had a computer that he was no longer using that he would be willing to give to me.

As you might imagine, I was over joyed to receive the computer. After I picked up the the computer and brought it home I attached the cables and power cord. After firing up the computer I began my process of investigation. Through the paces of my investigation I determined that the operating system was not working properly. I also noticed that the computers hard drive was cluttered with many files that spanned over the entire hard drive.

Consequently, I attempted to defragment the files on the hard drive to free up available space. When I found that I could not defragment the computer’s hard drive and realized that the operating system was not working properly, I called my friend.

During our conversation, I asked him to reload the operating system for me. He said that he would and I returned the computer to him. Because I knew — up to this point — very little about what needed to be done to load the operating system, I assumed that my friend would do what was necessary to clean the hard drive before he re-loaded the operating system.

Several days later I picked up the computer and began the process of downloading all of the needed windows updates and service packs for Windows XP. Once the updates and service packs were loaded I attempted to load some of my programs and files on to the computer’s hard drive. Through the process of loading one of my programs on to the computer I received a message — from the computer – that told me there was not enough continuous space available to be able to load my program.

I was bewildered because I knew there should be enough available space left on the hard drive to be able to install other programs and files — given the size of the computer’s hard drive.

Part 2 of 2

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Traumatic / Acquired Brain Injury – Meaning and Purpose

Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. Over the past several days I have been thinking about the concept of an identity. As I have shared in My Journey thus Far, for many years I felt like a man all dressed up with no where to go in life. Although I diligently applied myself to both academic and vocational pursuits I could not find my meaning and purpose.

In my attempt to define my meaning and purpose I sought to fulfill the requirements of specific identities. You see I bought into the notion that “if” I was able to secure an identity “what do you do for a living?” then I could find my place in the world. Due to the invisible nature of my disability, my attempts to secure an identity were frequently met with disappointment. My disappointment arose because I had bought into the notion that the identity would in some how save me — by defining my meaning and purpose.

Nevertheless, each of my attempts to find and secure my identity brought me face to face with yet one more disappointment. Although I applied diligence and persistence to secure my meaning and purpose — through an identity — I consistently found myself confused and bewildered. You see I had bought in to the notion that if I could secure an identity, then my life would matter. What made matters more frustrating for me was that I believed that my identity needed to be esteemed and rewarded by the society in which I lived.

Not only did I need to have an identity to define my meaning and purpose but my identity needed to be esteemed and rewarded by the society in which I lived.

Through my repeated frustration and disappointment — as I attempted to find my meaning and purpose through an identity– my eyes slowly opened to the illusion set for by an identity. I also discovered that as my traumatic / acquired brain injury, deficits and limitations are not meant to define who I am, neither is an identity meant to define who I am in this life. Through my process I discovered that my being was never meant to fulfill the requirements of an identity.

My need to find my meaning and purpose through an identity has been replaced with the pursuit of my passion. My passion longs to direct my path and I am learning to follow my passion. Consequently, I am experiencing my meaning and purpose.

As I experience my meaning and purpose I am released from the need to fulfill the role of an identity. Subsequently, I am learning to direct my passion through my gifts, talents and abilities in ways that work for me. In the process, I am finding that my doing no longer needs to be the driver in my being. Therefore, I no longer need to fulfill the requirements of an identity. Consequently I am being set free from the confines brought about by the pursuit of any identity.

My mother said to me, “If you become a soldier, you’ll become a general; if you become a monk, you’ll end up as the Pope.” Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso. Pablo Picasso

Be your self.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Second Chance to Live – Freedom from Rejection

Hi and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by and visit with me. You are always welcome at my table. Approximately 14 months ago I wrote and published an article with in Second Chance Live. Because of a series of comments that I have recently received I decided to reprint part of that article with in this post.

In my experience I allowed rejection to pillage my life for many years until I started to address and confront my denial, anger and resentments. Through my process, I discovered that I needed to be responsible to and for my reactions to life.

Throughout many years of my life, rejection was a very familiar companion. I was battered about on many fronts by this haunting message; “You are not enough”. In my attempts to silence rejection’s echo, people pleasing and approval seeking became a way of life. When this behavior did not interrupt rejection’s clamoring, I progressively internalized rejection’s deliberation: alienation.

Not only did I feel alienated from others, as one cast into dark despair, but more so from myself. Instead of siding with myself, I began siding with those who rejected me. Not only did I side with what they thought; I joined them in their discourse.

Self-criticism progressed to self-hate as I listened to the voice of contempt. As I joined in the confirming of my unworthiness, an emotional cancer ate away at my being. Although I attempted to quell the tide of criticism, I felt defenseless. Debilitating guilt spiraled into debilitating shame. My attempts to invalidate my sense of scorn seemed pointless. I feel into an abyss of isolation.

Thank God that I did not give up on myself or on the process. After beginning my own recovery process, my spiritual eyes started to open. Through active participation in my recovery process, I received a spiritual resuscitation. Slowly, my eyes were opened and I received the treatments, necessary to shrink and then kill the cancer of rejection. Debilitating shame was replaced with self-acceptance and self-love.

Although I may experience rejection from ill informed people, I no longer need to join in the chorus of their disapproval. I may never “measure up” to the validation of some people, and that is fine with me. I have come to believe that my opinion of me is what matters and I like myself. I now know that my best is good enough. I now recognize the once loud clamoring echo of rejection as a faint whisper. The voice of my value and experience shouts at the whisper, when it attempts to be heard.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Second Chance to Live – Moving toward our Goals

Hi, and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy that you decided to stop by and visit with me. You are always welcome around my table. In my experience I have found that life is best learned through a curve. When I can relax and enjoy the process I am able to grow because of what I am learning. I am able to find fascination in the moment.

In my experience I have found that when I want to accomplish a goal, the goal is much easier to accomplish when I break down the goal into manageable segments or objectives. As an example I will use the goal of baking a cake. The cake will not be complete apart from all the necessary ingredients, but I do not have to be overwhelmed because I do not have all the ingredients.

Because I realize that I do not have to have all the ingredients – right now – I can keep my head where my feet are planted. I can take one step at a time towards the baking on my cake.

When I make the decision to accomplish a goal, I can sit down with a pen and a piece of paper. By sitting down and writing out how I can accomplish my goal, I become aware of the ingredients that I will need to bake my cake. A little salt, a little flour, a little baking power and a little oil. As I realize what I am going to need to bake my cake (accomplish my goal) I am able take the necessary steps to prepare to bake my cake.

In the pursuit of my black belt in the mixed martial arts I have had to learn how to combine my kicks, punches elbows, knees and my grappling skills. In the process I have needed to develop and fine-tune my muscle memory. I am not saying that I have achieved the goal of my black belt, but I am moving in that direction. In the pursuit of obtaining my black belt I am learning to bake my cake through various drills.

As I have spent time developing my individual body part drills – legs (kicking) hands (punching) knees (thrusts), elbows (strikes) and grappling skills – I have learned how to combine my punches, kicks, knees, elbows and grappling skills.

If you advance confidently in the direction of your dreams and endeavor to live the life that you have imagined… you will meet with success unexpected in common hours.  Henry David Thoreau

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Second Chance to Live — The Power of Supportive Networks

Hi and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. You are always welcome around my table. I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me through your comments. I am honored. I applaud your courage. I have found that the wonder of a supportive network lies with in the ability of its members to share from their experience, strength and hope. As we share what is going on in our lives and then listen to how other members, are or have handled similar situations; we find courage.

Through the process of being involved in a supportive network, we find that we no longer need or have to be alone in our struggles.

In my experience, as I have taken the risk to share who I am and what I am experiencing — with my support network — I have grown through the process of being heard. Moreover, as I have shared — with my trusted friends — what is going on in my life I have been able to come out of my self- imposed isolation. Once I have been heard I then listen to the experience, strength and hope of my trusted friends. As I have listened to the wisdom of my friends my process has been empowered.

When I realized that I did not have to be alone in my struggles a miracle occurred. I began to experience hope.

Although our journeys may be very different, as we share who were are and what we are experiencing — through our journey’s – a miracle occurs. We slowly find ourselves being led out of the shadows our self-imposed isolation into the light and the power of identification. As we are led from the shadows of our isolation we find the courage to explore beyond our fears and anxieties. Slowly we learn to take risks and through our process we learn to celebrate who we are and what we bring to our world. In the process we embrace hope.

The Power of Identification

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Second Chance to Live – A Precious Truth

My name is Craig and I am a traumatic brain injury survivor. I have lived with an invisible disability for over 40 years. I spent many years of my life denying my reality.

I found that as long as I denied my reality, I could not truly heal and begin to accept myself. Although I am not my traumatic brain injury, deficits, limitations or disability my life is impacted because of my traumatic brain injury.

Through my process I discovered a precious truth. When I began to accept myself because of my traumatic brain injury, deficits, limitations and disability I stopped fighting against myself.

As I have grown to accept myself because of my traumatic brain injury, deficits, limitations and disability I have been able to use my gifts, talents and abilities in ways that work for me.

As I accept myself – for who I am – my need to sabotage myself lessens.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Second Chance to Live and Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations

Hello my friend and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. Over the past several weeks I have been speaking to topics that have been crucial to my recovery and in my healing process. Through my process I found that I had to address my denial, anger and resentment to move beyond that which was blocking my relationships: my relationships with the God of my understanding, with other people and with myself.

Through my process I discovered that one of my biggest hindrances — in life — involved my critical nature. I discovered that my need to be perfect was driven by my attempt to avoid criticism, ridicule, rejection and self-loathing. Because I was unable to meet the demands of perfection I internalized ongoing frustration and anger. My frustration perpetuated my need to overcompensate and overachieve in order to maintain my perceived relationship with God, with other people and with myself.

Before I addressed and confronted my denial, anger and resentments through my grieving process I treated other people with the same contempt that I showed myself. My contempt was manifested through the unrealistic expectations that I placed on God, other people and myself.

Through my experience and by addressing and confronting my denial, anger and resentments I grew in my awareness. First of all I realized that NONE of the relationships that I sought to sustain were healthy. I discovered that I either took hostages or was made to be a hostage in my relationships. I found that my feelings of inferiority alienated me from the very relationships that I sought to cultivate. I also discovered that I unconsciously projected my shame into my relationships through my unrealistic expectations.

My shame subsequently sought to control my relationships because I believed that I needed to do a dance to maintain those relationships. My denial, anger and resentments — through my shame — led me to believe that my relationships could only be sustained through a specific set of dance steps. Essentially, I believed that I needed to make the person – that I sought to be in a relationship — OK with me, so that we could be OK, so that I could be OK with me.

Through my process, I discovered that my unrealistic expectations served to perpetuate the dance.

Through my process I have grown in my awareness. In my awareness I have come to recognize that I no longer need to participate in any dance to be OK with me. Consequently, I have been able to let go of my need to be perfect. I have traded the notion of perfection for the pursuit of excellence. My drive to fulfill unrealistic expectations has faded away and I am learning to trust the process, a loving God and myself. I am learning to have a relationship with myself.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Invitations to Subscribe to Second Chance to Live

Below is an invitation to subscribe to Second Chance to Live. You may also subscribe using email. The process is very easy to complete. Simply click on Subscribe to Second Chance to Live by email. All you have to do is enter your email address, type in the letters below your email — to prevent spam — and then left click on Complete Subscription Request. By subscribing to Second Chance by Email you will receive notification when I write a new post in your email .

You may also use a feed reader service. By left clicking o the Subscribe in a reader you will be taken to a page that has various feed readers. You may either sign in to the Feed Reader that you use or sign up with one of the Feed Reader that you would like to use. By doing so you will be able to read posts from Second Chance to Live through that Feed Reader.

Subscribe in a reader

Traumatic Brain Injury — Following your bliss…regardless

Welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am glad you decided to stop by and rest. You are always welcome around my table. In life, events, circumstances and disappointments may redirect our experience. In an instant, like a switch on a railroad, life events can set us in the opposite direction of our hopes and dreams. In the process our hopes, dreams, and aspirations may be dashed. We may have lost the use of our limbs or suffered permanent brain damage. Our damaged brain or body may subsequently limit our abilities. As a result, we may be sad, angry or even bitter with life. But that does not have to be the end of the story.

Through my process I have learned a valuable lesson. I am not my traumatic brain injury, my deficits or my limitations.

I have discovered that who I am on the inside matters more than who I am on the outside. My body may be broken and battered by my injuries. I may not be as smart as I used to be before my disability. And I may be discouraged at times, but that does not change my passion. I am not my disability, my limitations or my deficits. My passion resides within the core of my being. My passion provides the mechanism that empowers my gifts, talents and abilities.

Because my passions lie at the core of my being I can learn how to channel my creative energy even thou I may have a disability, deficits or limitations. As I follow, develop and learn to channel my passions, the fruit of my purpose becomes apparent. My passions are channeled through my gifts, talents and abilities. My gifts, talents and abilities echo my passion. My passions subsequently point me in the direction of my destiny and in the process I fulfill God’s will for my life one day at a time.

Although I have limitations because I am a traumatic brain injury survivor I am not limited. Although you may have limitations because of your disability, you are not limited. Regardless, of how you or I came to be disabled we do not have to give up on our passions. We can learn how to channel those passions in ways that work for us. We can learn to experience life more abundantly. Our circumstances no longer have to define or dictate who we are in this life. We can learn to use those circumstances to enhance both our lives and the lives of those people in our world.

Be encouraged my friend. Your disability is not meant for your harm. You and I have been given a gift. What we thought was meant for our harm is to be used for our good. As I mentioned earlier, I believe that my traumatic brain injury was a switch on the railroad of my life. Although I could not see how my traumatic brain injury was to be used for my good some 42 years ago, I now know that my traumatic brain injury was preparing me to fulfill my destiny. Through my process I have come to trust the process, because I know that more will be revealed in time.

Be encouraged my friend. Follow your passions. Follow your bliss. Give yourself the time to learn to use your passions in ways that work for you. And please do not give up on yourself or on your process because more will be revealed to you with each new day. You will find your way and you will be empowered.

Only believe. And if you have a hard time believing, believe because I believe. You will learn to use your passions.

Receive more articles like this one simply by clicking on Subscribe to Second Chance to Live by email.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Invitations to Subscribe to Second Chance to Live

Below is an invitation to subscribe to Second Chance to Live. You may also subscribe using email. The process is very easy to complete. Simply click on Subscribe to Second Chance to Live by email. All you have to do is enter your email address, type in the letters below your email — to prevent spam — and then left click on Complete Subscription Request. By subscribing to Second Chance by Email you will receive notification when I write a new post in your email .

You may also use a feed reader service. By left clicking o the Subscribe in a reader you will be taken to a page that has various feed readers. You may either sign in to the Feed Reader that you use or sign up with one of the Feed Reader that you would like to use. By doing so you will be able to read posts from Second Chance to Live through that Feed Reader.

Subscribe in a reader

Second Chance to Live — What Is keeping you stuck?

Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by and visit with me. Over the past week I have been discussing the process of grieving and how to move beyond grieving. As I have mentioned in some of my previous posts my traumatic brain injury occurred when I was 10 years old. Although I experienced a fractured skull, was in a coma for 3 weeks and sustained significant damage to my right frontal lobe – and other parts of my brain – I was never treated as a traumatic brain injury survivor. For further insight into my process please read My Journey thus Far.  Consequently, I did not know how my traumatic brain injury was set to influence my life.

Neither did I how my life was to be influenced by what I have come to understand as family system roles. Let me explain what I have come to understand through my process.

In many families where ongoing conflict persists, a heightened tolerance for emotional pain ensues. Denial, rather than resolution become the goal. Repression, shame, and blame then become tools that are used to perpetuate the need to deny what exists. Overtime all the members of the family assume different roles to perpetuate the lie. Denial perpetuates the drama that contains the conflict. Each individual within the family system denies their authentic self to avoid conflict. Maintaining the role becomes more important than becoming a separate and autonomous individual. The role then becomes the person’s identity and drama becomes the vehicle to feel alive.

For many years, I stayed in my role as a scapegoat because I believed that I was responsible for people, places, and things. By focusing on the drama, my ability to individuate atrophied. My time and energy were devoted to managing the conflict. Rather than focusing on solutions, I was duped into believing that the drama would somehow save me. It was only after I experienced an emotional bottom that I became willing to look for solutions. Through my process, I came to understand that the role that I had been living did not represent God’s will for me. I discovered that my life was not meant to represent the role under the conditions of the role.

The answers to my questions came from my willingness to be honest — with myself. Through my recovery process, I discovered why I felt comfortable in the role that I sought to justify on a daily basis. Over time, I was able to identify behaviors that shackled my life to that role. Consequently, I stopped saying, “I am sorry” for everything under the sun. I made a decision to allow people the freedom to take responsibility for their own restlessness and discontent. I also decided to give people the dignity to be responsible for how they chose to react to things that are out of my control. As a result, I found myself breaking free from the yoke that once controlled my world. With time I found that I no longer needed to identify with that role.

Through changing my behavior, I have been able to break free from the role and the drama.

I have also come to understand that drama distracts me from living life on life’s terms. If I find myself buying into the illusion that I can control the drama, I will remember that I can choose to get off of the merry go round of denial. Through my process I have come to accept that I am powerless over drama so I don’t fight the distraction. Instead I choose to step back and let the whirling dervishes, whirl. I have found that by staying in the moment and through being responsible for/to myself, I no longer need to adopt any role that someone may want me to play. Consequently, the decision to stop playing the role has given me the freedom to discover and pursue the purpose for which I was created, one day at a time.

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA